I’m sorry… I feel like griping and then I will feel guilty after doing so and set myself straight again to count my blessings. But I can’t wait anymore. I feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb. I have been sitting on it for way too long and all of that ticking is making me crazy. It is not a deadly bomb, in fact there may very well be a party inside but I don’t know. I almost don’t even care what’s inside anymore, I am ready. Bring on the explosion! Endless ticking is the worst alternative. The challenge for me is not knowing when the explosion will be and when the ticking will stop. Please stop. Please let me move forward with my life. I can’t do anything about it, I just have to wait. And if I knew where all of the pieces would land then perhaps I could plan and prepare while I am waiting… but I can’t because I don’t. There have even been a few times when the ticking gets faster so I think it’s about to go… and then it slows again back to a steady “tick, tick, tick…” I am anxiously, anxiously awaiting answers… antsy as can be. I have heard that “patience is a virtue.” But it is certainly no virtue of mine. I should work on that but I’m not sure how. It’s like getting in a line and not knowing how long the wait is because you can’t see the beginning and you don’t actually know what you are waiting for anyway…Who would do that? Crazy people- that’s who. That must be why I am going crazy. Too many unknown factors are making me idle- I like to work, to progress and move forward- but everything is on pause. I know, I know- when the bomb finally booms I will be so busy and so exhausted running around that I will wish for a pause… but maybe not, I am much better in motion! I know all of this talk of waiting is vague- but you get the idea and I imagine you have felt it to some degree too- and you know how unsettling it can be. Of coarse I am still far from “rock bottom” in life, but my sanity has taken a beating. A rollercoaster ride of excitement and possibilities followed by disappointments and let downs but worst of all… more waiting. Tick, tick tick…and more ticking.
