Time or Money

There are certain laws of science that have been studied and discovered throughout history. Some of them tested and proven while others remain as theories. There are Newton's Laws of Motion and Einstein's theories of Relativity, (gravity). And there is one that I think many of the great scientists have overlooked and that is the unwritten law behind humanity that says we can never have both time and money simultaneously!

It just doesn't seem to happen within the realms of capitalism. One must be sacrificed in order to receive the other. Jobs that offer plenty of vacation time and flexibility don't pay very well, while top earners are often chained to their desks and cannot relax away from work. Sure, there are a few who strike a decent balance of the two, having a little time and just enough money to enjoy a nice vacation or two throughout the year, but they are still tipsy on the beam just going back and forth in smaller increments. And yes there are exceptions of those who receive a great inheritance- but even they probably had to sacrifice time with their parents who were overworked to create that nest egg they passed down. And if one is lucky enough to have a financial break that gives them time to step away from work and enjoy life- you better believe there is still a clock running on the dollar and it's only a matter of time before they run out of money and must go back to work. And of course vice versa- there is never enough time to make the amount of money we would like and still enjoy life! So I'm not sure what to call this "law" or "theory" but I am quite sure that anyone can relate and prove it to be true.

I have experienced a little of both but not together. I cannot completely complain about this unwritten law, because I believe in being rewarded for hard work. So the principle behind it makes sense to me. And vacations are much more rewarding when you work long and hard and save up and earn it and then get to reap the rewards of hard work. I have also suffered missing out on fun trips and adventures because of limited vacation time, or missing out on other vacations because I did not have the money.

I don't see why the two can't just get along, it seems like hoping for peace in the Middle East. And truth be told, time and money actually work very well together and mingle in all of the same circles and have very similar qualities. It's like they need to keep each other close and yet refuse to dance. They must have one of those Love/Hate relationships? It is certainly beyond me. So if you can trump this equasion then please let me know your secret! But until then I shall imagine the day where time and money can peacably intermingle.

"Check out her mom."

(mother & daughter, Kate Hudson & Goldie Hawn)

When guys are in a serious relationship, getting engaged or meeting a girl's family for the first time, they often receive some advice along these lines... "Check out her mom dude, then you know if she will be hot when she's older." We would be pretty naive to think that men are not having these conversations and that they don't worry or think about how their wives will fare as they age. Perhaps, like me, you heard your older brothers discuss "FP" when talking about girls and then you learned that FP= Fat Potential. This has stirred a few discussions with my husband over the years, and we have lately been defining realistic expectations. Of course it's a sensitive topic to women, because we too want to stay fit but want to avoid any unnecessary pressure. It's tough to know what can happen to your body as you age, and we have all seen photo's of older women when they were young and wonder, what happened? Will that happen to me too? One thing I have had to make clear was that he married me as a curvy girl, so that will not change, it's those women who are beanpole thin now (who he claims are 'too skinny')- who are the ones who are still thin later, so we cannot be compared. Don't get me wrong he is not rude about it and there are more reasons than just looks, of course we both want to be healthy and fit and able to keep up with our kids and grand kids as we age. But it has certainly got me thinking about why men give each other that advice, how society perpetuates the idea of a 'trophy wife' and how it would seem a little weird for a woman to say, "be sure to check out his grandpa on his mother's side, then you will know if he will be bald." Sure we are aware of this fact that we learned in 9th grade biology but women are more likely to say, "watch how he treats his mom and sisters, and you can know how he will respect you and your daughters..." Of course, women have their other shallow moments, perhaps making correlations to the father's career or economic success. It's interesting to see how expectations are set, sometimes by society, sometimes by your own parents or your in laws, and how these expectations can play into your marriage. I have asked various friends and family about how these conversations play out and some feel pressure because their mother in-laws are thin and beautiful, others feel the fear of becoming like their own mothers, and others worry because their parents divorced, or because their dad had an affair with a younger woman... whatever the reason, it's in the back of our minds, so there is no point in the men worrying about it because clearly the women have the worry part covered. And despite the few women who might claim that they "don't care" I'm sure we would all prefer to maintain our size and health as we age, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. But there is no point in fretting too much, keep in mind my mother's fabulous wisdom that I heard many times throughout my teenage years... "Stop worrying about losing weight or being thin because you will spend the rest of your life wishing that you could look as good as you do now."

Small, Important, and Lost

I'm pretty sure a little leprechaun bandit follows me around and collects the small, important and often expensive things in my life.... It has been going on for years and here are a few of the most popular items of his collection: Wallets, Keys, Passports, Phones, watches, retainers, and cameras.... And not just once, but many of these have been lost, stolen or broken multiple times. Would you believe me if I told you that at one point I had so many passports issued in so few years that the State department put me on some sort of probation where they issued me a "temporary" one while they looked into my case to make sure I wasn't selling them on the black market or something. I had to wait six months and for a permission letter before I could reapply. Oh wait and would you believe that I had three drivers licenses by the time I was 20? Do you have any idea how annoying it is to go wait in line in slow government offices to get these kinds of things multiple times? Oh- and as for the small and expensive items- I had four retainers before My parents stopped paying for them and my teeth went crooked again- and cameras are the latest expense that has me thinking that the little leprechaun bandit is now following my husband as well! We are on our way to our third camera in two years right now! I am certainly not proud to admit to any of these things but it is becoming much more than a painful coincidence! My Paris friends will tell you about the night that I was robbed twice- my wallet in the Metro and my Sephora shopping bag in the McDonalds restroom. I don't know how to explain, if it's not lost then it's broken and if it's not broken then it gets stolen... I thought leprechauns were supposed to bring good luck- but it seems that my little friend does quite the contrary!

Two Good Things...

Decisions are a rather difficult thing for me, but I think decisions between two good things are often the most difficult. When you know that both options are good, then that decision can become exhausting. Sure many people might say, "but you can't go wrong." And this is true, but even though you are picking something great, you still have to eliminate, or say no to something else that's great, and feel like you will be missing out on a great opportunity. I know this sounds pessimistic, but I'm speaking about the decision process- When choosing between a good or a bad option, it's a no brainer. And while two bad options is certainly no fun, it doesn't really matter because you are going down hill either way so you hope for the lesser of two evils. So although two good things is bound to bring about a good outcome, in my opinion the decision always seems to be the most challenging.

I heard this poem on NPR yesterday and found it rather thought provoking...

'The Drunken Driver Has the Right Of Way'
by Ethan Coen

The loudest have the final say,
The wanton win, the rash hold sway,
The realist's rules of order say
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The Kubla Khan can butt in line;
The biggest brute can take what's mine;
When heavyweights break wind, that's fine;
No matter what a judge might say,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The guiltiest feel free of guilt;
Who care not, bloom; who worry, wilt;
Plans better laid are rarely built
For forethought seldom wins the day;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The most attentive and unfailing
Carefulness is unavailing
Wheresoever fools are flailing;
Wisdom there is held at bay;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

De jure is de facto's slave;
The most foolhardy beat the brave;
Brass routs restraint; low lies high's grave;
When conscience leads you, it's astray;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

It's only the naivest who'llDeny this,
that the reckless rule;When facing an oncoming fool
The practiced and sagacious say
Watch out — one side — look sharp — gang way.

However much you plan and pray,
Alas, alack, tant pis, oy vey,
Now — heretofore — til Judgment Day,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

Excerpted from 'The Drunken Driver Has The Right Of Way' by Ethan Coen.

Value

The other day a co-worker of mine commented on a flower arrangement and said something along these lines, "I used to really like those flowers and think they were fancy, and then I found out how cheap they are..." Then I was in the store last week looking at flowers and the thought of her comment really bothered me, Really? Should what you pay for something really change how you feel about it? Should the fact that a certain flower is easier to grow, which makes it cheaper, make it any less enjoyable? Should anyone ever worry about "cheap" flowers making them look bad? If they are beautiful to you, then what does it matter what you paid for them? I recognize that it's the supply in demand theory that often determines value, not always quality or enjoyment. This also brings to mind the episode of 30Rock where Jack Donaghy makes such an ordeal out of getting this exclusive reservation and this elite restaurant to have a gold leafed dessert for a ridiculous amount of money... and yet he ended up wanting a good old McDonalds McFlurry for a couple dollars instead. But just because they are only a couple dollars and you can get one in every city in America and many around the world... should that make them less valuable? If they suddenly became an exclusive treat how much more would people be willing to pay? Should value be determined by cost? By popularity? By enjoyment? It makes me laugh when people fall subject to marketing schemes around the holidays, that there are only X amount of Tickle me Elmo dolls, or Nintendo Wii's- so wait in line and inhumanely plow people down just so you can be one of the few! But despite what the product makers have said they will be mass producing those same items a month from now and you will all continue to buy them because you still have a mindset that they are rare, and it makes you feel special to have one. I guess I am sometimes baffled that a label or a name brand can really cost so much money, and that people pay for it because of what it represents to society. These brands and labels or names or elite places, foods or flowers are really just like wearing price tags around to show the money that we have or are willing to spend... and it's even more sad that we as a society actually treat people differently because we know what they spend or don't spend. Granted some great things do just cost a lot of money because a lot of work goes into quality. But if you like something that is cheap then there is nothing wrong with that- In fact it should make you like it more!

Oprah Epidemic

I admit, I am a fan too. She is a pretty amazing woman who has built quite an empire. She is one of the most influential people in America, and I'm not sure about her international presence but she must be right up there with the most influential women in the world. And what makes her impact so strong? Her viewers find her more credible than the news or Wikipedia. Why? Because she is their "friend." Don't we all believe our friends more than anyone else? Oprah has a magic about her that makes people view her as their equal. So despite her billions of dollars, she can make a poor woman feel like she really knows how it feels to wear the same pair of shoes for ten years. I don't know how she does it, but I honestly think she just has a gift for empathy and understanding. She can fit right in with the Hollywood glamor one moment and then have a heart to heart with stay at home moms the next. And despite the fact that she is not married and does not have children she is very motherly and in tune with families. I know many are critical of her popularity, but my guess is that her critics have not actually watched the show. If you watch it for a week you are bound to have at least one or two stories really interest you. And even though she may be liberal, she has many conservative fans because for the most part she maintains a lot of conservative views. Of course I have wondered, does she have to act like she likes certain things just to please her audience? Is she really herself? Who knows, but she puts on a pretty good show if she's acting! Oprah is certainly one of a kind and I don't think anyone will really be able to replace her, despite the attempts from all of the other daytime talk show hosts, Oprah has class that the others are lacking so far. The Oprah Show is quite the epidemic, she has the power and means to do what many of us cannot. She educates and explores for us, while we watch from our living rooms. Regardless of whether I agree with her on everything or not, I am still amazed. So the epidemic will continue as long as we continue to hear women in all social circles and various circumstances start their stories with, "On Oprah the other day..." http://www.oprah.com/

Sick sick sick

I know I don't write much about happenings on this blog- mostly just thoughts but yesterday was a combination of both which is what I am going to write about now.... A long story short- I got to work and had a little breakfast, and shortly after I swear I was seeing spots and I could not walk straight. I could barely stand or walk at all... and then I found myself vomiting in the bathroom- at least I made it to the bathroom although not quite to the toilet... and then a few minutes later I found myself back at my desk, shaking again and soon enough spewing into the trash in the copy room, about five times in a row. It was out of control and I was horribly embarrassed and at that point decided I had good reason to go home sick for the day... On my way home- my online searches of "pregnancy symptoms" were coming to mind as I stopped by Walgreen's to get a few tests. I was without a doubt sure that this must be the cause of my extreme dizziness and vomiting. Never before in all the other times I cried wolf about being pregnant, had I felt quite like this. And I was feeling mixed emotions... on one hand- Great! what's a few months earlier than planned? But on the other hand... if being pregnant means feeling like this then I would rather adopt.

I came home and took two tests... Negative. But I slept for eight hours and woke up ate a banana and bread and took a bath and went to bed again for the night. I have NO idea what came over me but it was horrible and nearly unbearable, I thought I was going to pass out and die at work. I am still a little woozy today but when 10am came around today (the time I left work yesterday) I felt as though I accomplished a great battle.
Many thoughts came to mind yesterday... Am I ready? Do I have what it takes? Is this how all the other women feel? How will I handle this at work? Will I have to quit my job early because I am so sick? Who knows, perhaps I was drugged or poisoned? It may have been the combination of my antibiotics and Claritin? Or something bad that I ate- either way I wish it upon nobody! I have been sick and vomiting before, but the combination of dizziness made it surreal and out of control. The whole thing just took the life out of me- it was a traumatic day, one that could be deleted and I think I would be just fine moving forward. Who knows, maybe the tests were wrong and my prayers have been answered to make me feel better and get through today. Either way- Come what may and I can only hope that I don't have to feel like that again, and I hope that I won't have to find out that I'm pregnant because of a day like yesterday.

Lay awake lists...

I remember back in high school when I had a hard time sleeping at night, or focusing during the day, my dad taught me a few things that have stayed with me. One of them was making lists of thoughts- It is a way to purge and clear your mind so you can focus or rest. Because sometimes your mind is too worked up about something or just too many things at once, especially when you are busy and don't have time to process it all- or often just worried about forgetting to do it or to come back to that thought.
So you grab a note pad (good to keep on hand by your bed) and you just write every random thing that is on your mind. Last night, mine started something like this... (omitting names here)
Curtains & curtain rods, furniture paint- overall home upgrade ideas, Ikea, chair covers, cost of new chairs, taxes, travel visa, book hotels, dentist appointment, eat better, no dinners after 8:30pm, tv bunny ears, ABC, sister's Birthday, upcoming birthdays, visitors, other sister- writing a letter or phone call, choosing happiness, family relationships- in-laws, how to make Brazil trip go well- foster good relationships, missions, talking more openly about religion, returning to school- studying religion, theology, psychology, education... call friend back, plan summer trips, run 10k in Napa, flight for dad's visit, plan mom's visit, visiting teaching, weekend, rain, brunch, Easter baskets, Kidless holidays, business schools, next move, provident living, balanced budget, major upcoming expenses..... And of course the list goes on- but there is something liberating about just writing it down and setting it aside for when you have a quiet moment later. I still do this at work sometimes, and if I have more time I organize and separate the "todo list" (things you can actually check off and move on) from the things to think about or research with less urgency and may be more long term. I have an ongoing list of items in my head about things I want to Google or look up and learn more about, this one doesn't always make it to paper but when it does it helps clear my mind. My husband often asks, "Does that brain ever stop?" and the answer is always no. But a little traffic regulation can certainly help!

Where do I go from here?

Have you ever been following a map or directions and somewhere along the way you took a different road than you originally planned? It can still lead to your destination but now it is too late to back track the other way-and it has created a little detour and may take longer and you will even miss out on some of those things you planned to see on that other road. But, at this point you can't turn around and go all the way back to the turning point decision- so what do you do??? You create a new rout. You look at the map and find where you can connect and you move forward and enjoy the ride!
We must often adapt to the unexpected detours in life, sometimes we are running out of time and have to go without the perfect garnish or accessories in order to accomplish the overall goal, or you run into traffic on your way to a movie and change your plans to go bowling instead. Sometimes our plans change to accommodate somebody else or are out of our control and although it forces us to take a different rout or live a different way- we must move forward.
These things happen every day and we make a choice in how we react to the changes. Do we look back with regret? Do we obsess over what we missed or what went wrong? Or do we embrace the new set of unanticipated opportunities that come with it?
I have a tendency to over analyse and I have reacted to these situations in many different ways at different times. But I have learned that my greatest happiness is when I enjoy the journey that I am on and let it take it's course.
Decisions are not easy for me, and they linger with me long after they have been made as I wonder, "did I make the best choice?" But after wasted time looking back on the "other road" I have learned that the best choice is the one that you allow yourself to enjoy and adapt to. Yo can certainly learn from the past, but there is no point in fretting over decisions that have already been made and you can no longer change.
So when you find yourself on that other road, or in locked traffic, ask yourself "where do I go from here?" You can't make it to the movie on time, so how can you adjust your plans and still have a nice evening? It would be a silly waste of time and energy to stop and have a pity party about missing the show right?
So when it comes to real life... when you don't get that job, or you break up with that guy, or you move far from home...... think about what else is out there that you can enjoy and make a life out of it without regrets about things you can't change. Learn from yourself and look forward to what else is in store for you!