A penny for your thoughts....

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...
Mid- fifties, cute navy blue patten leather flats, scarf, sunglasses and a very complacent look although I cannot see her eyes hiding beneath the large dark sunglasses...
A Banker deeply enthralled in his reading of the Wall Street Journal...
The old Chinese woman just picked up in China town, her old crackling fingers clinging to her pink grocery bag...
An exhausted working mother, tired and quite preoccupied with her blackberry...
The girl who looks like she is scowling at the world but I think that's just her rest face... she is probably really pretty when she smiles...
The guy next to me, reading "Dance, Dance, Dance..."
The list goes on as I take a look around my fellow bus passengers. Up and down, off and on, silent and still... and I just wonder- What are they all thinking about? Thoughts about the day, about what to do when they get home, about friends in distress, about troubled relationships, about what to wear, losing jobs, about war, daydreaming about love, worrying about the kids, financial concerns, news, books, problem solving, who knows... to each their own thought I suppose. It would be so interesting to get a glimpse of all the thoughts that pass on a simple bus ride home (perhaps frightening). It's kind of amazing that everybody is thinking all of the time. So many thoughts, both big and small. So many thoughts that are so fleeting because a new thought so quickly follows that most of them are never explored. And how is it that some people claim to just not think sometimes? That really baffles me. It's interesting how our thoughts really make up who we are- we must think in order to do, and we must do many things to survive in life. Our thoughts determine our beliefs, our moral code and thus how we determine to live our lives. Our thoughts alter our conversations, our habits and our relationships. Our thoughts determine our happiness, how do we look at things? And although I realize that thoughts and feelings are often viewed as opposites, I really think the line is quite blurred, and it's just those who "think too much" that try to define their "thoughts" as the logical thing to do, and their "feelings" as what they want to do.... But really both are just different kinds of thinking. Thinking can get complex and drive us in circles sometimes. Thinking too much or too hard or too fast can get exhausting and confusing at times. Thoughts beget thoughts, and everything around you begets thoughts... they are quite impossible to avoid. I think this is why we need to sleep- so at least we don't know that our brains are still thinking... That's another thing- I am no scientist but do thoughts really come from the brain? Or are they in our spirit? Our soul? It seems that thinking is an element beyond the body. It's all very interesting to me and probably quite boring to other people. Perhaps it's my intrigue with thoughts that makes me willing to share mine from time to time, because I think I would enjoy hearing the thoughts of somebody else. Oh my, if I really had a penny for each of my thoughts, or yours... I could be a rich girl!

"That's the most beautiful part of God, eh? Being almighty and yet not forcing Himself on anyone."-- Mother Teresa

I stumbled across this line in my recent reading and loved the simplicity of such a statement. I love and appreciate that God gives us agency. I am a firm believer in agency, although I know that this sometimes comes with the sting of accountability, it just makes so much sense. I think that God lets us know that he is there, ready and willing and waiting to help us, but we must come to him by our own choice. Although he is almighty and could certainly control our lives and choices for us, rather he guides us and we are taught principles to follow, but we still have our own choices to make of how to live and govern our lives.

Natures?

Too many thoughts today... They have been building up... One moment I am walking through the city- people, stop lights, taxi cabs, business lunches, high heels, men in suits, cell phones, cable cars, electric buses, shopping, cafes, sunshine peaking through the clouds and glistening from one sky rise to the next.... and I think, "I love you city." I'm not sure why, these things usually provoke stress and chaos... but in some strange sense I could see nature behind it all. Like looking at a beautiful beehive oozing in honey with busy little bees swarming about. But then I asked myself, if both the city and the hive can be natural developments by their creators, their species.... then what is unnatural? So often people assume that anything "man made" is unnatural, but perhaps those things are the natural course of man? Where is the line between natural survival of a species and unnatural behavior? Perhaps there is no such thing as unnatural, perhaps there are just different natures... The nature of one animal from the next, the nature of man, and the nature of God. Sometimes they conflict or overstep other natures, but perhaps this is the natural course of life...

Sometimes I envy the homeless

It’s true, sometimes I envy the homeless. It’s an interesting lifestyle, living so unattached. No phone to answer or emails to reply to, not even an address to find you. You kind of get to fall off the map and have a free pass to break all of the rules that society throws at you. You don’t feel obligated to go to expensive dinners or buy gifts. You are on your own clock, you get a lot of free stuff and you don’t have to pay taxes. You can be, do, wear and say crazy things and really nobody cares! Where some of us live in a life that we must have a job to pay the bills… the strange thing is that all too often that job that brings in the money also takes it right back. We must pay for clothes to wear to the job, and a phone to answer to the job, and transportation to get to the job and on top of these other things that add up, we must pay a third of that income to the government for having a job. It’s like a massive penalty fee, and a bunch of little service charges along the way that makes some of us wonder if the return is really worth it. Ok- you get my point and I’ll stop at that because I don’t want to seem too ungrateful and I don’t know if I even dare post this for fear of jinxing myself. I really am so happy to have a job, a home, a bed and a shower and means to provide food and to be connected to friends and family. I know that these are all wonderful things and I am lucky to have them. But sometimes- every once in a while, I confess that I have a moment of weakness where the pressure feels too heavy to keep it up and then I have a fleeting thought where I envy the homeless.

Wall Street Meritocracy

“Part of the charm of Wall Street and what scares most reasonable people away is that it is as close to a meritocracy as exists on this Earth. It’s dog eat dog, sink or swim, you do a trade and it works, you’re a hero! Enlist some clients, you’re a hitter! The flip side of course is what makes Wall Street so dangerous. You lose money more than once and you’re out of a job. Just like that- gone. There’s no tenure on Wall Street. No job security. Ten and twenty year careers end in a flash. That’s one reason why everyone is paid so well. Think of it as combat pay. They make your life miserable hoping you’ll quit before they break you or hoping they break you before you lose money for the firm. It’s not the post office. It’s trial by fire. You would think that would make the entire work force afraid to do anything for fear of being tossed out on their can, back into the cruel cruel averagely paid world. But a meritocracy works in the opposite way. You have wicked smart people trying to prove to each other that they are smarter than everyone else. Unlike acing a chemistry final or even nailing your SAT test, the score is kept with real money. How much of the bonus pool you command for your do or die heroics. Lehman Brothers was a classic Wall Street meritocracy. They wanted to one up Goldman Sachs to win the meritocracy game and get paid in spades. ‘Let’s leverage this sucker up with mortgages. A trillion dollar balance sheet, hey if not us, who?’ When that trade went South, Lehman went bust. You lose money you’re out- good bye. Unless of course the government bails you out. To remit the next blow up, the G20 is trying to limit pay and banish risk. But no matter what bureaucrats do Wall Street’s meritocracy of getting paid will live on. They’re going to find their way around any new rules. The game might move to Hedge Funds or some other dark corner of the financial market. But no amount of reform is going to kill Wall Street’s animal instincts.” – Andy Kessler (Author & former hedge fund manager)

I listened to this piece on NPR’s Marketplace yesterday and found it cleverly entertaining and interesting, certainly based on a lot of truth. Wall Street is kind of a beast of it’s own that may never be tamed. ( If you wan to know more about meritocracy…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meritocracy )

Seventeen

“Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Don't it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew, baby

Seventeen, livin on crazy dreams

Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen”

--Tim McGraw

I’m not sure why, but I found myself thinking about this song, and being seventeen. I must admit that I think it is the perfect age. Old enough to understand and appreciate life, but still too young to face the responsibilities waiting around the corner. Perhaps it’s something about September that takes me back to high school football games and the excitement of a new school year that makes me think about that time. Seventeen, one more year before you have to grow up and take on the world. Seventeen, one more year of living under mom & dad’s roof, and one more year with those friends who have known all of your awkwardness and growing pains since middle school. And one more year to decide what you are going to do with your life, and little do you know that this is only the beginning of that question. It’s a time when you take your metabolism and free education for granted. It is a time with little worries that seem so big, followed by bigger fears and dreams of the future. And it is a time when you really are “Standing on the edge of everything…Seventeen”

History in the making...

“Have you ever come across an old school exercise book, or something else you once wrote and, on leafing through it been amazed at how much you have changed in such a short time? Amazed by your mistakes, but also by the good things you had written? Yet at the time you hadn’t noticed that you were changing. Well, the history of the world is just the same. How nice it would be if suddenly, heralds were to ride through the streets crying: ‘Attention please! A new age is beginning!’ But things aren’t like that: people change their opinions without even noticing. And then all of the sudden they become aware of it, as you do when you look at your old school books. Then they announce with pride: ‘We are the new age.’ And they often add: ‘People used to be so stupid.’” – A Little History of the World by E.H. Gombrich

I feel like I see history in the making each and every day. We really are in a new age. I’m not sure what our posterity will call this… perhaps the “Digital Revolution,” in the same sense that the Industrial Revolution once changed history? There are so many changes taking place in the world right now. Perhaps this is the “Golden Age of America” coming to a close, just as the great empires of Rome and Greece and Egypt, nobody knew exactly when they would fall but the unraveling began much earlier than anyone foresaw at the time… Perhaps this will someday be called “The Great Recession” because of the far reaching global effects of the “Mortgage Meltdown” followed by the “Bailout.” It depends on how you break it down, this decade? Or this Century? And what aspects will they look at? The economics? Technology advancements? Social changes? Or the Wars and international relations? It all depends on what comes next. Frightfully so, if an international war broke out in the next few years then they would certainly analyze this time to find out the causes and build up. It is strange how one thing leads to another. Or in medicine, if they suddenly found a cure to cancer, perhaps this time would be talked about as ‘The Cancer Age.” Change is always creeping about. I know that I am young, but already this is not the same world that I entered 25 years ago, and I look forward with both concern and excitement. I can feel the changes, and it seems they are coming faster and faster with time, so many at once, all affecting one another. But as we take a look at history through the ages, things really do have a way of repeating themselves in different forms. People could learn a lot from each other if they looked at those who have gone before…. But all too often we insist on learning the hard way. These are interesting times and history in the making.

Mom & Pop Shops...

Why is it that Mom & Pop shops can survive in the cities but not in the suburbs? Neighborhood restaurants and boutique stores, hole in the wall ethnic cuisines and little trinket shops… they exist and thrive in urban areas. Areas where I imagine real estate is not cheap but business must be consistent enough to keep them alive. I have asked around to figure this out; most people told me that San Francisco has some sort of ban on big chain restaurants and stores. Recently I started looking into this and could not find any facts to back it up. I do think there is some truth to the zoning laws and restrictions but there is more to it than that. It is common throughout many cities in the US. I think a lot of it has to do with the people and consumer habits and thoughts. Shopping and fashion is in many ways the exception, considering the fact that name brands often matter even more in urban areas, so designer stores and popular brands can do extremely well. Trendy Foods can also find their niche in the city, most anything can. And I’m sure that the chain places in the cities still do very well. So why is it rare to see local Mom & Pop restaurants pop up in the suburbs? Not enough people, too expensive? Perhaps people have a hard time trying something new, or they are too cheap, or maybe there are just not very many restaurant entrepreneurs who want to live in the burbs? Maybe there's not enough family/kid friendly appeal, since those are the primary groups in the suburbs? But I have seen spaces in suburban strip malls that have had several different small businesses come and go in the space and each one just can’t seem to make it. Small cities struggle too, and the more homogenous the area, the more difficulty there is for unique/individual places to survive. Tourist towns are often an exception because there is enough traffic to keep things alive. But then again- why? Is it because the visitors are city folks? Or because they are the traveling or adventurous type? One pattern certainly is that the older, the bigger, the more diverse and the more transient the city is… the more likely you will see a little place that you have never seen before. I also think coastal cities have an advantage of access to more types of food and usually more fresh food. Of course, there are plenty of very isolated small towns across the country and throughout the world that are unique and full of their own charm. There’s something about middle class America that screams, “Best Buy” and “Chili’s” and “brand new town homes", or organized developments. Places where everything is new, and stucco and in a chain that you have seen duplicate models of time and time again if you have done any road trips in the past five years then you know what I mean. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this or bad about these places. I too love my endless Olive Garden Salad and breadsticks! But I’m curious about the social phenomena of it all and wonder why it all plays out the way that it does. Do these massive chains scare away the little guys? Is it like the Bookstore battle in “You’ve got mail?” I would be fascinated to see some of the business consultant stats and figures that they have on their target markets, and wonder which ones flop and why? I am curious why so many great little shops and cafes just can’t make it, and why the ones that do, are successful? And what cities or areas do places like Applebee’s avoid and why? I assume they don’t like the beatnik neighborhoods that are always trying to rebel against the norm. There must be a lot of strategy behind it all, and there’s the marketing and PR and internet sending us all sorts of messages that we just don’t receive about the little guys. I don’t know where they get their research but it’s clearly there, we are numbers in their stats. Market research is a big player, done through little things like when we are randomly asked our zip code.... Anyway- besides my curiosity about these chain giants, I am still not sure about the factors that keep Mom & Pop shops afloat but I am quite sure there is some correlation among these random thoughts that I have been spewing out.

Life is but a Weaving

My life is but a weaving

Between my God and me.

I cannot choose the colors

He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I the underside.

Not ‘til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those

Who leave the choice to Him.

(Thanks MA for reminding me of this great poem, I have heard it before but love it again!)

Enablers

Spell check has ruined me. The little red line that shows up below misspelled words and the auto correct when I type words like "computer", this fabulous tool has enabled me with the inability to spell. I cringe when writing thank you notes and birthday cards because there is no device to monitor my spelling or grammar. Typing has also enabled me, and others of my generation to have poor penmanship. The Internet has made me a more impatient person because I am used to instant answers. The Internet has also enabled my knowledge retention. It comes and goes so quickly that information does not imprint on the brain like the old days. Because now you don't push yourself to remember or memorize since you know that if you forget then you just Google it again. We are spoiled with technology that does the work for us. I love it and in so many ways it really does make life easier and I often wonder how my ancestors got by without all of the wonderful gadgets and gizmos of our day. But sometimes those things or people that help us can indirectly hurt us too, because all too often they leave us enabled.

I want to understand the Earth

I have seen some pretty amazing places and things in this big beautiful world. Some places are covered in crazy vegetation, plants, algae and all sorts of insects. There are other places where big animals roam or smaller ones live in the trees or burrows in the ground. There are forests and ice caps and then there is the vast world of water that covers the majority of our Earth’s surface. And the ocean floor has climates and worlds of its own. But beneath all of this there is Earth. Earth in the form of dirt, sand, rocks and stones, Earth in the form of minerals and metals. And all of this gives us a little history of our planet. The layers and the shifts, the plates and the new earth created by volcanic activity. The colors of dirt and minerals found can tell us of what came before us, and as you dig a little deeper you can discover what came before that and so on down to the depths we cannot reach. There is so much to study and learn about on the surface, the many creatures and life forms that provoke curiosity distract us from the Earth below. But sometimes I think the Earth itself is underestimated and taken for granted. But the reality is that we are using and shaping the “Earth” each and every day. Whether it’s the metals used to make the pots we cook with or the oil in our cars, the brick that builds our homes or pavement below our feet or the wires that transmit the energy for our modern technology. The elements of the Earth are amazing, how they are not alive and yet provoke each other into new forms and wonders. I did not do so well in my high school chemistry class or perhaps I would have continued to pursue my curiosity of these majestic sciences. I was in Southern Utah last weekend, taking in the beauty of the red sandstone landscape, places like this can make you feel like you have stepped into a Star Wars film and landed on another planet. As I looked around at the delicate rock creations, and the distinct sedimentary layers I wanted to know and understand the Earth more. I want to know how it was formed and be able to look at the color or texture of the sand or dirt and learn from it. Perhaps an area that is desert now was once covered by water. And how did those old black rocks that are 2 billion years old get mixed in with the Grand Canyon? Did water once cover the whole Earth? Is there matter from our Earth that may have once come from other planets of times that we cannot even comprehend? I remember walking through the Ancient Ruins of Rome for the first time, thinking “Wow, this is so old!” But sometimes I forget to look around at the Earth below my feet and the mountains towering over my head and recognize that these creations are much older and grander than any ancient Coliseum or Pyramid. These natural wonders illustrate the design of divinity and a great creator. I am grateful to live among such beauty and I want to respect and preserve it. Do we abuse these gifts of the Earth? Do we appreciate the divine design enough? Do we take and forget to give back? Fire, Water, Air and Earth… do we remember how important this element is to our survival and existence? Earth is the element that records history and can teach us about the past billion years. We can learn about our changing climates and moving fault lines. I want to get to know the Earth and in so doing I think I will learn a little more about God and his plan. I will learn more of where I can from and recognize the reality that this world and this Universe are just bigger than than I can comprehend. Perhaps it's the combination of going to the Academy of Sciences last week and then a few days later spending the weekend exploring some of the untouched Earth. But just thinking about it, I am starting to understand the Earth a little more.

People that you love

Sometimes it’s hard when people that you love, can’t seem to love each other… Sometimes it's two good friends who can't get along. Inlaws who don't see eye to eye, or sometimes it's father and son or all too often mom and dad. Just because we love two different people so much we wish that they could figure out how to love each other too. And sometimes they have more in common than they think. Sometimes you know the best of both of them, but they just can't seem to show that to each other. Sometimes you know that they do love each other but one or both of them just can't seem to show or say it right. It's tough to see somebody you love get hurt, but even worse when you love the one doing the hurting too. And you wish that if they could both just see the good that you see, then they would love each other and let go of the wedges that divide them. Sometimes it's just tough when those you love, just can't seem to love each other.

My TV Affair...

I have never been a big TV watcher. I went through my phases over the years, the Flintstones and later Saved by the Bell. But I never really could keep up with those weekly shows that you had to follow. I remember friends having ER parties in high school and although I think I went a couple of times I never really kept up. I managed to dodge all of the Bachelor Final Rose parties in college and the Jack Bauer fans with their all night 24 marathons. One Christmas break my family did get my husband and I stuck on Lost, but even that has been too much work to keep up. Up until two years ago I had never even seen an episode of the Bachelor or American Idol. But when I moved to San Fran and started making new friends, it sounds silly but I honestly felt socially excluded just because I had no idea what anyone was talking about. It was like they were all talking about their mutual friends that I didn’t know. So discovering life in the fog, without homework, friends or family near by… I shamefully admit that I gave in that year and started watching… It started with The Bachelor and American Idol because those were the most talked about… one thing lead to another and I found myself sucked into Dancing with the Stars, So you think you can Dance, The Office (which I already enjoyed) then added 30 Rock, and then starting flipping over to Ugly Betty and Grey’s Anatomy during advertisements and being sucked into those too! I fell for the one fabulous season of Pushing Daisies (and loved it!) but then started watching the not so great shows that followed like Private Practice and even a few episodes of Dirty Sexy Money (total trash!), and the occasional Desperate Housewives. And without DVR, my nights were booked watching the television. It was like I had discovered TV and Pop Culture for the first time, it was addictive and unbelievably unproductive. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I had cable! (But I even rented Gossip Girl for a while to keep up on what I was missing) All of it kept me up late and squandered my time- but I finally knew my who’s who when it came to TV talk with friends and I joined the Final Rose parties and I still talk about Liz Lemon like she is my friend. The writers strike and a new job that started early put a little damper on my vice for a while and I took a step back from it all. I became more selective and then thank goodness we moved into a new apartment a few months ago. Since we don’t have cable or DVR or anything we use bunny ears (our TV is digital) and our new place does not get very good reception. The summer TV Hiatus followed our move and I have purged myself of my TV addictions. Our television has become a black box decoration in the living room and my oh my…. I am loving it! I don’t have a clue what’s in the fall line-up. And I can’t remember the last time I watched anything on there other than an occasional movie. I am loving my life back, my time and my own thoughts and finishing more books. Although it’s sad that they are getting a divorce, I love that I don’t know who John and Kate are! I am fine with being out of the loop on TV Gossip. I know that not all TV is a bad thing, you can learn a lot from certain programs and it can be a good way to unwind. But all in moderation right? Be careful what you let into your home through the channels of the media! I am totally fine with going back to my TV free life. I’m sure I will watch an occasional show, but I will most likely rent or watch online so I know that I am choosing to watch it and not just doing it because it’s on next…

The Need for Need

I can’t recall the details but a while back I heard some interesting advice. When you have somebody who does not seem to like you or is just a little cold and you want to break down the barrier between you… Ask him/ her to help you with something. Perhaps something where they can really offer some support, help or advice (not silly tasks like cleaning up after you, try something you need and they can offer.) And somehow through helping you, they may start to like you a little more. It may sound backwards to the truth we already know in the joy of offering help to others, and not wanting to be a burden. But it can be as simple as asking travel advice about a place they have been. It may seem awkward asking because that person is a little cold but when they realize that they are needed then they warm up a little. You have to give in to your own pride, in case you were holding out and don’t want to ask for fear of feeding the other person’s ego- but the reality is, people need to be needed. Think about it- isn’t there a little emotional high from serving and helping others? So, although it’s hard to ask, you are really offering somebody else the chance at that warm fuzzy feeling, and soon- they will associate that with you. And you are now somebody that they know they can ask in return when they are in need, and soon enough you have found a friend in your previously cold coworker or classmate. It makes sense to me because people need to be needed. Our need for need is what solidifies relationships. Families need each other, friends need each other. People thrive in a work place where they know that they are needed. A good team makes sure that each person is needed. And things fall apart when we stop needing each other. Being needed builds self confidence and motivation. Need keeps us moving through the day and gives purpose to our lives. Of course it is important to be independent and self sufficient, but the man who says, “I don’t need nobody,” probably needs the most. And he probably needs to be needed more than anybody else. We live in a modern world where technology and money fills in for so many of the things we need in life… but these things cannot replace our need to be needed. People are now turning to their alternative realities because they feel needed there. We all need a little help. We have our struggles and our setbacks and sometimes just a need to talk but are all too often afraid to ask. Let it go both ways, reach out, you need somebody and they need you. Be willing to offer, share and serve and you will certainly be needed. Don’t let these needs become a burden when they are really such an opportunity. We all have needs and we all have a need for need. And just remember that need begets love.

Brown Paper Packages...

It started at a young age, walking home from the bus stop and always checking the mailbox. I would peruse the pile of mail, looking for a handwritten item. Of course nobody really sends mail to a ten year old but it was still exciting, and as my brothers and sisters served missions abroad I loved looking for the special envelopes with unique stamps when they would write home. I still unlock my mailbox and quickly peruse every day after work, I love almost anything that’s not junk mail. Postcards, packages, little notes... It’s much less frequent these days since we have instant communication through the Internet, but even there I have learned the excitement of real emails verses spam. I also think that online shopping has made its mark now that I watch people anticipate the day of delivery. It’s much more exciting than buying an item in the store, there is something about waiting to get what you want and not knowing exactly when it will arrive, this anticipation enhances the excitement even when it’s from yourself. And then receiving that brown paper package seems to carry a little bit of magic like opening gifts on Christmas morning. Since I get to deliver the mail in our office, I see people light up as I walk to their desk with a package in hand. And I can’t blame them, because I would too. It’s a funny thing, and this may be the only reason that I ever do announcements or Christmas cards (if I ever do) just for the sake of knowing that somebody is smiling on the other end when they see an envelope with their name and it’s not a bill. I know that I’m a little old fashion, but starting today I think I will start sending more mail… Maybe one thing a week? Perhaps today I will make a trip to the post office for some Forever Stamps (these are such a great idea if you haven’t caught on!) I just love the smiles from snail mail!

Parking & Politics...

I am not a real political person but sometimes I wish that I were. I wish that I had a greater understanding of the complexities of the great Healthcare dilemma and how to solve it. I wish I could keep track of who is fighting who in the middle east and why and how the US should or shouldn’t be involved. I wish I could see a proper balance between the great freedoms of capitalism and government regulation. I am too often guilty of accepting the status quo or sometimes just letting things happen. I wish that I utilized my freedom and my right to vote more often. I want to make more of an effort to understand local, state, federal and worldwide political affairs. This means, I have some studying to do…

But yesterday I found myself thinking about this… I was waiting in the Muni building to resolve some parking tickets. The first red flag was the fact that I had received THREE parking tickets for one violation in less than 24 hours; two of them were within an hour of each other. There wasn’t even time to correct the mistake (the direction of the wheels) and of course I started thinking that parking guy must have been really bored circling the block over and over and my wheels were the only thing he could find so he couldn’t help himself and had to keep writing it up- more/less it was probably just something to do. Wait a second- I think to myself… “And my tax dollars pay this guy?” Hmmm… I realize this was probably just my defense of a scorned parker in the city. But I went to the Muni office to plead my case that I only deserved one ticket, which in all fairness I was willing to pay. As I waited there with my number in hand, A087, I fell into conversation with my neighbor and I commented that I wished I knew that all of the money they received from tickets went to a good cause because then it would at least make it a little easier to pay, right? Then I learned the quite likely true rumor that the whole parking violation department barely breaks even from what they bring in, and have been in the red many times. Apparently they bring in just enough to cover management fees, rent, employee salaries and benefits. So what’s the point? It seems like a big-ole’ mess that takes money from some people just to give it to other people. Sure- they need to create jobs, but couldn’t they do something more productive than drive around their little tri-wheel cars? I understand the need for some regulation but I feel that they may just have a little too much time on their hands, which means- I not only get three times as many tickets, but I am also paying tax dollars towards unnecessary hours worked. On top of this- I recently learned from a highway patrol officer that they are forced to retire after 30 years of service and then they are paid out 90% of their salary for the rest of their lives!!!! The particular officer started when she was 25 and is retiring this year at 55. This seems quite out of date! We are likely to pay these people for another 30 years, half the work and double the pay? And I guess this is how many government positions are, which is why cities and states are going bankrupt. They can’t afford it! They need to make adjustments, just like corporate America can’t offer those kinds of benefits because it’s not realistic or out of their budget- why should the government be any less responsible? Ok- this may all demonstrate how naïve I am to politics, like I said in the beginning; I am not a political person. But when I see the disparity between my pretax income and my take-home, I start to wonder… Where is it all going? What I am I working so hard for if I give half of it away? Perhaps this is just part of growing up, and this is why the people get involved in politics- and you start to form opinions depending on which side of the fence you work on… I can’t blame those who work in Government to want to maintain and reinforce those benefits, but I can’t blame those who work twice as hard and pay twice as much without any personal benefit. I can see how these webs get so complicated and why people are so passionate. So, I think it’s time to get old, and figure out why my state is bankrupt, and my country is in immense debt… when we live in this land of prosperity? They have the means… but are they spending it right? Do you think they have heard of what some call a “budget?”

I chuckle to myself...

Each day I sign my signature for the various UPS, Fedex or lunch deliveries and I think of how I signed a baseball for a little Brazilian boy because through broken English I thought that’s what he wanted, but I was way off- an he was quite confused wondering why I had signed it at all… It was indeed a funny little moment that you had you had to be there for, but now as I sign my name I am reminded, and I chuckle to myself about it each day. Sometimes I laugh as I remember awkward situations. Or sometimes it’s one of my oh so random thoughts… like weird things that would show up in a French film or Japanese cartoon. Like this baby above- (it’s from Spirited Away, it’s only worth seeing because you will laugh later at the thought of how bizarre it was…) Sometimes I imagine myself doing silly things… Like walking into the office and instead of just saying good morning… what if I broke out in song and danced around between the desks… “Good Morning, Gooood Mooorning, Good Morning… “(like form Singing in the Rain) Then I imagine the reaction of all of my coworkers with their 6am tired eyes, not really sure what to think… And I chuckle to myself, even if it will never happen. Sometimes I think about playing practical jokes like on Just for laughs or what about the time I was on a bus and a little girl stuck her tongue out at me… so I did it back? Or the day I Iost my flip flop in the gutter and continued to run errands around town with one shoe… all the looks were pretty hilarious indeed, they all starred but not a soul asked why. I’m not sure why but I kind of love weird things. And I love the little inside jokes that I share with myself because I do love to break up a mundane day as I sometimes chuckle to myself….

If you ever wonder where your time goes...

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/07/31/business/20080801-metrics-graphic.html This is a fantastic link to illustrate how we spend our day. (also click on the various groups and see how it changes)

Poetry Reading...

Everybody Eats…

30 people, one kitchen, It’s tricky indeed

Many peculiar palettes that we venture to feed.

Hungry and tired one by one they arrive

Waking up in the hours of sixes and five

So Ladies and Gentlemen please take your seats

While I seek to tell you how Everybody Eats…

Carving out bagels is one popular way

That many Watershed folks will start their day.

Each morning they peruse our cereal collection

And are hopefully pleased with our endless selection.

Eggs in her oatmeal is the fancy of one

While others wait for their toast to be done.

Bowls dripping in salsa, egg whites and grilled meats,

Dirty dishes reveal how Everybody Eats!

I too have been caught with my bananas and cheese

And others enjoy counting their calories.

Organic, soy, low carb, and fat free

These healthy requests I often see.

Yogurt and almonds, OJ and Mini-Wheats

Each is an evidence that Everybody Eats!

Mixt Greens, Tlaloc and San Francisco Soups

Are a few of the ways that we feed our troops.

But upon delivery watch out for stampedes

They flock to the kitchen like young racing steeds.

Larb salad, fig pizza, teboulah and more,

Strange flavors and smells we often endure.

Communal pad Thai, curly fries, even beets,

My oh my how Everybody Eats!

One orders the Grande Burritos surprise

And leftovers excite all the scavengers eyes.

York Patties and popsicles must never run out

Or I’m sure to hear some fuss and pout.

Strawberry tops and egg shells are evidence indeed

That our disposal and compost are in great need.

Some like plain spinach while others sneak treats

Evidence still that Everybody Eats.

An afternoon bowl of Special K

Is a popular way to get through the day.

Fruit snacks, Granola Bars and bowls of blue chips,

Eating anything to distract from low market dips.

Crunchy or Creamy, Bonbell or String cheese,

So many tastes are impossible to please.

Redbull, Diet Coke and last but not least

These drinks are all fuel to this Watershed beast

So please don’t forget the Coffee from Pete’s

That awakens the place where Everybody Eats!

(We were asked to write a poem for our work offsite where dinner was followed by our oh so entertaining poetry reading)

From Bad to Worse...

I often complain that I have to wake up in the sixes to make it to work right at 7am. It’s an early day, especially for a very un-morning person. But the past two days I have been covering for a coworker which means getting up in the fives and being here at 6am! So, it’s strange how sometimes things have to get worse in order for you to realize that it’s not so bad. But that’s just kind of how life goes, we rarely appreciate what we have until it is gone. But tomorrow I am going to enjoy every bit of feeling like I’m sleeping in an extra hour until 6am!

Reflections of four years ago today...

Four years ago I woke up on this very morning, alone in my apartment in the upper avenues. I looked out over the valley, happy to see blue skies. It was quiet and I was grateful to have a calm and peaceful morning to myself on such an important day. Some people may have thought it strange that I did not have sisters and friends all fussing about me or that I was not going from beauty parlor to make-up artist… all that hype probably would have ruffled my feathers a little more than I could have handled when my nerves were already on end. I reviewed in my mind the importance of such an eternal covenant. I pondered and prayed and sought the preparations necessary for the major changes to come. My focus was quite genuinely on the eternal significance of that day. I am an over thinker and an over planner which means I am also an over worrier at times. Thus, such milestones as making a covenant to spend the eternities with one person were quite heavy on my heart.

It had been a whirlwind of preparations leading to that day. Most of which I just let happen because I didn’t want to get caught up in “the wedding fluff.” I was much better at fulfilling my goal to stay eternally minded that day, but I have since had my setbacks fussing over the petty things. I really was never cut out to be a bride. And I confess that I did not enjoy it and I’m glad to be happily married and know that I will never have to do it again. It was a beautiful day and everything went well but there is no doubt that I would have done some things differently. I would have spoken up more about what I wanted, I would have spent money on the things I found important rather than succumb to the pressures of tradition. I was young and felt all too rushed. The only thing that really got me through it all was that there was no doubt that I loved the man that I was marrying and no doubt that I wanted and needed him in my life.

I do not claim it to be the “Happiest day of my life” but I do indeed feel that because of that day, the happiest days of my life have followed and I imagine will continue. My favorite memory of that day was a continuation of my peaceful morning. I love to reflect upon the time that I sat with my sweetheart in the celestial room of the temple just before we were to go in and greet our family members, and make our final commitment to one another. This was a beautiful and sacred time. Our ceremony and incredible opportunity that we had to receive an Apostolic blessing was an amazing experience and we were grateful to have our dearest friends and family members there to share it with. It was indeed a very special day and I am so grateful to have my dear Nicholas in my life. I am so grateful for the past four years that we have spent learning and growing together. I am grateful for that day four years ago that we committed to each other and I can go forward knowing that we will be side by side forever.

Issa

Issa picked me up again this morning and I remembered him instantly. I asked his name this time so I could add to his story. I heard a little more about how he started out as a security officer, moved up to do some Tech work and then managed the engineering of the early Mac computers. Not designing, but maintaining them. He went on to tell me how complicated the first computers were and how the wires all needed to be managed and insolated and protected from over heating. He remembered the original Mac and what an upgrade the Mac 2 was. I once again marveled at the reality that computers have become an every day use, completely ingrained into our society now, and just within a few short years, within my lifetime. “Phones are really just little computers these days.” Issa said, “You put all your contacts, appointments and get on the Internet with them.” But overall our conversation went a new direction today… it started with technology and lead to God. God gives us many wonderful gifts and inspires great inventions that each can be used for good or evil. “It’s the morality of the one who holds it that will determine if he uses it for good or evil, “ Issa said. “And unfortunately so many people don’t have moral character anymore because they are all trying to take God out of their lives.” On both of these points I agreed with him. Then he went on to make another great point, “I think they do it because they don’t like responsibility, and they don’t want to be accountable to anyone, especially God.” Well said Issa. I am grateful to see somebody who respects God. I don’t know of his religious background at this point but I already have great respect for my new friend and I look forward to crossing paths again.

I Dream of Jet-Dry

As part of my job as an admin, I get the duty of unloading our two dishwashers at work every day. (I can’t fully complain because I feel lucky since the reason we have dishes is because we get breakfast & lunch at work every day too.) But when I started, our dishes were coming out a little mirky. Not dirty but not sparkling clean either. So we decided to try Jet-Dry. And my, oh my that stuff works! I don’t understand the chemistry behind it by any means but it really is a magical potion of some sort! And ever since this discovery, my dreaming of a dishwasher has stepped up a notch. When I am at home hand-washing my sultry dishes that have never seen the likes of a dishwasher… as I scrub, I dream of Jet-Dry! Sad but true- my beautiful dishes, pots, pans and platters that were so generously given at my bridal showers four years ago have only known dishwashers with ten fingers, than can bleed, burn and get prunny in water. I even confess that I often scheme how I could sneak all of my dishes into the office over the weekend and run them in the dishwashers with Jet-Dry so they could finally come out glistening!

That Hits the Spot

I think that I inherited this phrase from my Grandmother because I still hear her say it all the time. I too am often stating when something does or does not “hit the spot.” So the other day my husband asked me… “What is the spot anyway?” I have to admit that this was a very good question because it took me a minute to think of what I am referring to when I use this term. And so I have decided that something that merely “tastes good” does not always hit the spot, but rather a spot must first be cleared in order to be hit. You must be aiming for something right?
The Spot: A mental image of something that sounds good, a savored taste or craving or want of something in particular.
Hitting the Spot: Getting exactly what you had in mind!

Leaf Frog...

(Photography by Christian Ziegler, http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2009/08/mimicry/ziegler-photography )

I find this photo fascinating and amazing because it captures these little creatures blending in and defending themselves in such a beautiful way. That is by far and away the best camo outfit that I have ever seen! Nature amazes me. God created a great many beautiful things in this world, and over the years we have all adapted to our various environments and tried to survive. Each creature & Species has its own means of adapting, but those who do not adapt are the least likely to survive… “Only the Paranoid Survive” This line and recent new book title has been ringing in my ears. ( I don’t actually know if it’s any good but the idea rings true.) You really must always be moving, changing and assimilating to your environment in order to survive. And it looks like these little Leaf Frogs could show us a thing or two!

Good for nothin

Have you ever had one of those Good for nothin days? Where you just really feel worthless… Perhaps this is just me and something I struggle with but sometimes (more often than I should) I will get down and start seeing the glass half empty rather than half full. I start to feel discouraged that I didn’t come with any talents or special abilities like the rest? I kind of start to feel like vanilla generic brand sandwich cookies (vanilla are even worse than chocolate)… nobody wants those compared to all of the fancy Keebler, Nestle and Pepperidge Farm options… and Don’t get me started on the section with European delicacies or the real ones in the bakery or the dough that you can get to make them yourself… and I’m not even mentioning Girl Scouts, homemade recipes or macaroons from the Boulangerie… This is a silly analogy I know, clearly I have a thing for baked goods.

But sometimes it’s hard not to compare to all of the amazing people that I am surrounded by. I am not a dancer or a singer. I am not a leader or innovator. I am seriously deranged when it comes to anything that requires coordination, which means that people literally laugh when they watch me attempt sports (really they do, this has happened many times) I wish that I were artsy, but I just don’t have that natural eye for creative genius like all my interior design or Etsy friends. So when it comes to cute or crafty design stuff, again I am sub par. I’m not even smart enough to have a real job- nope, I’m a brainless admin surrounded by Ivy League, Summa Cum Laude graduates. I feel pretty pathetic sometimes. I am not even interesting to talk to or fun to be around (although I sure enjoy talking to people…) but I am quite drab compared to people who can entertain, tell great stories and bring laughter and excitement… I am a big bowl of blah. (Which makes it kind of ironic that I even have a blog at all. Sometimes I laugh at myself and wonder who in the world would waste their time reading this stuff?) I don’t do cutesy crafty blogger stuff and I’m far from being a fashionista or trend setter. I don’t speak any languages (the worst part is that I actually took French for four years of HS and two years of college and I’m still not even proficient!) You know those people who are just naturally good at everything they come in contact with and they don’t even really have to try? I think I am their exact opposite. Nothing comes naturally and after a lot of hard work, I can barely break even. I wish that with all of these missing skills/talents that I were secretly very spiritual or in tune… but I’m nowhere near where I should be and I don’t even think I can remember one scripture mastery. In the parable of the ten talents I often think about how I need to make the most of what I have, even if it’s just one- but I haven’t figured out what that one is yet? When among good friends they try to console me that my squishy nose or ability to touch my toes makes me unique- Ha! That’s practically an insult when they have to stoop so low- (Most people can touch their dang toes- and have you seen Cirque de Soleil- do you know how they can bend, now that is talent!)

Sorry for this petty post, my own little pitty party if you will. But this is how I often feel, and what I think about when I start to see the glass half empty… Don’t get me wrong, I still know that I have been given much. I am healthy and provided for and grateful for wonderful people and opportunities in my life. But sometimes I have a good for nothin day where I wish that I actually had something to offer. Perhaps something of great value or a way to give back or contribute, Any skill or talent would do. Something to write my story, (see everybody has a story.) I may never amount to much but I do want to make the most of limited resources… but I often get stumped in on these good for nothin days.

Vibram Five Fingers

My husband just sent me a link to these, and although it seems they have been around a few years, this is the first time I have heard of them. It’s a fascinating idea and I would love to know how they feel. I hate shoes, so the idea of wearing shoes that feel like your feet seems very appealing to me. http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/

The Future of News

I am concerned and perplexed as to what the future of news may be. We will always need to know what is going on in the world and in our community. Newspapers have dwindled since the boom of the internet and many have gone under especially with recent economic woes. I am quite sure that my children will not be doing paper routs to earn extra cash. People just don’t read print media like they used to. Even books are being replaced by fancy technology like Digital Readers, (I admit that I would really like one of these!) Everything is going digital! But how will the news media survive? Sure, they have a very important online presence, but the dynamics are changing. The World Wide Web is a pretty amazing place and people can get anything they want at their fingertips. And news online is free! This means that local circulation of big news will be taken over by the big guys. And the rest will be left to a few local websites and the world of Blogs. The world of Blogs that did not exist ten years ago is an entirely new and very significant industry within news media. Blogs coupled with programs like Twitter may very well be taking over the old idea of a “press conference.” Really, why would anyone go through all the effort of a press conference if they can just make their announcements via their blog/twitter? Even Obama has caught on to this! Besides, this takes the direct confrontation out of it… they can think through their comments before responding on the spot with something they wish they had thought about first. The challenge with news blogs is that the public won’t know who to trust. Anyone can write and get “published,” (which may become a word of the past when it comes to news.) The internet is already overwhelmed with half-truths and extremely biased stories/points of view. It’s tough to know who you can trust. The laws cannot keep up with technology… copyright, libel, freedom of speech, privacy...
TV news has and will also be hit by the changing times. The six o’clock news will be reserved for the old folks who think digital refers to using your fingers… Fewer viewers will wait to get the weather report or sports update when they already saw it on their iphone or Yahoo desktop ten minutes earlier. Radio will survive as long as we are the auto dependent society that we are. And Magazines have already taken their hit but they will continue to decorate grocery store isles and airport shops.
How did you hear about Michael Jackson’s death? Was it a text, twitter or Yahoo home page, or a friend’s blog, or somebody’s facebook post? Probably not a newspaper or TV evening news. I imagine the time lapse between actual events and dissemination to the public is ten times the speed that it was five years ago and 100 times the speed of fifty years ago. It’s pretty amazing really. So what is the future of news? Are we in the midst of revolutionizing how we will hear about the next world tragedy? Are we on the brink of an industry out of jobs or just changing the medium? I imagine that this has been a frequent conversation at the major networks and publishing companies. The stories will still need to be written and pictures taken, but our children will not know news like we did. “The weather man” may become a mythical character that just gives away our age.

Everybody has a story...

It started with one simple question, "Where are you from?"
He was born in Jordan into a Bedouin tribe. They were a semi-nomadic people who lived as hunters and gatherers living off of the land. In the 19th century they weren't quite as transient but still often called "shepherds." He went to school as a boy in Jordan but as he grew up he wanted to finish high school. He researched various areas and found that he could get the best schooling and live for the cheapest amount in Cairo, Egypt. "Practically $50 a month for everything," he said and then reminded me this was in the 70's. He studied and worked until the day he graduated. That day he was thrilled and decided to treat himself to a nice brunch buffet. When he arrived, the place was so packed, "Worse than Mama's on Washington Square," he said. But he was lucky enough to find a little table for two open up. He sat down to enjoy his meal. A moment later he saw a gentleman approach the door and look around only to turn away in disappointment. "I waved to tell him he could join me. Why waste a table for two when I was only one?" he said. The gentleman joined him and after a nice meal he asked the man where he was staying. "It was a nearby hotel so I offered him to stay with me. I had a little place but room for two, and rent was already paid that month so it would be cheaper for him, " he said, "And since I was done with school I told him I could show him all around and be his guide." The man, Jerry, was very trusting and that afternoon they went to pick up his luggage and move him to the apartment. They had a maid come regularly to clean, "and she only took 10 Egyptian pounds at the end of the week," he said, "and that was a pretty good deal, but she had to earn her keep to you know."
As Jerry's visit was coming to an end, he asked... "Can you get me your school transcript?" So he did, and sure enough a month later he received a letter from Jerry with another letter enclosed. It was an admissions acceptance to San Jose City College.
"Jerry told me how I needed to take the letter to the American Embassy and apply for a visa. So I went and spoke with a nice lady from the consulate, just like you. And she asked me 'why do you want to go to America when there are good colleges here?'" So he told her about the John Wayne movies he had seen at the Metro Theater on Main street, and how beautiful those mountains in the pictures were and how he just had to go and see it. "She laughed a little and then told me to bring my passport in and she would give me a student visa."
When he came to America he studied and worked to pay for things, and later built a career in engineering.
Today he was my cab driver because he was recently laid off and needed a job to pay the bills until he can find something else. I didn't catch his name, but I heard his story during a ten minute cab ride, that I won't forget. This may likely only be the beginning of his story, or a chapter or two of the whole book.
But I have been thinking lately about how everyone has a story, and it is a series of the highs and lows that make up the details and the twists and turns. Some are known for their great accomplishments and others for their great hardships. I am still trying to create mine because it isn't very interesting yet, but we are all a work in progress. Coming from somewhere and going somewhere. We all have a little something to share or at least a different perspective. Because the reality is that nobody has walked in your shoes like you have... Some of have tread the same trails, together or at different times. But your path is unique to you, what you see, think, feel hear... who you meet and how you react... Everybody has a story.

Sometimes

Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Sometimes you have to bottle up all your thoughts because sometimes there is just not enough time. Sometimes you are too tired to think and sometimes you can't sleep because you think too much. Sometimes you can't keep up with life. Sometimes you have unexpected turns come up and sometimes you don't feel like being as adaptable as you should. And sometimes you feel like you can take on the world. Sometimes you miss your friends and family. Sometimes you just want to be alone. Sometimes you crave laughter and sometimes you need to be more realistic. Sometimes you want to run, but sometimes you just need to sit. Sometimes you have to wait in long lines and sometimes you get to go right to the front. Sometimes it fits just right. Sometimes you take a chance. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and sometimes you just want to hide. Sometimes you can't get enough. Sometimes you get overwhelmed. Sometimes life is just wonderful. Sometimes you really do enjoy a nice bowl of cherries. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes your luck runs out. Sometimes you get Yahtzee. Sometimes you get a parking ticket. Sometimes you just smile. Sometimes nothing else matters. Sometimes you forget. Sometimes the strangest coincidence happens. Sometimes you are surprised and sometimes you know exactly what to expect. Sometimes you get confused. Sometimes it seems too difficult. Sometimes life is just bigger than you. Sometimes you get caught up in silly things. Sometimes you save and sometimes you spend. Sometimes you lose your keys. Sometimes you get all green lights. Sometimes it all makes perfect sense. Sometimes you hate your green carpet. Sometimes you don't care. Sometimes your trash stinks. Sometimes you make it just in the nick-of time. Sometimes you crave circus peanuts. Sometimes you are scared. Sometimes you get free tickets. Sometimes you can't wait! Sometimes you get in trouble. Sometimes you mess up, and sometimes you mess up big. Sometimes you wish you could rewind. Sometimes you want to play it over and over again. Sometimes life keeps you guessing.... because nothing ever really happens all the time, because sometimes there are exceptions and sometimes there are opposites... And sometimes that's just the way life is.
(and sometimes your boss says you can't blog at work so you are really behind on all of your thoughts!)

The Novelty of Homemade

Once upon a time we lived in a world where everything was "homemade." There was no such thing as "store bought" or "freezer foods." Clothes were all individually tailored and home sewn. With the industrial revolution and continuing growth in agricultural developments, things changed and goods were more frequently produced and exchanged. But even my parents grew up in a time where it was cheaper to make your food from scratch and sewing your clothes saved money. Oh my how the tables have turned! Mass production has made it cheaper and infinitely faster to buy a bag of chocolate chip cookies than to gather and buy each ingredient, mix and measure and bake. Novelty bakeries can get away with charging the same price for one homemade cookie as that whole box of store bought cookies. And People pay top dollar for hand sewn clothing these days. The longer it takes to make something the more it costs. Today there is a price tag to the novelty of "homemade" and "hand sewn."

The first time I realized this generational swap was in elementary school. I was putting up a fuss to not have "hot lunch" anymore and bring a sack lunch from home. Most kids thought that hot lunch was for the poor kids. I tried to explain this to my dad and he did not understand. So he explained to me, "when I was in school the hot lunches were really good and more expensive and the only reason kids brought lunch from home was because they couldn't afford it." Perhaps he was putting beans in my ears but I think it was true. But hot lunches in my day had become frozen fish sticks and watery frozen vegetables. This was never as good as my mom's home-made chicken or roast beef sandwiches.

Sadly many people from my generation don't know how to cook without a freezer and a microwave! I too cop out and enjoy these easy meals sometimes. But last night I made my mom's delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. I mean really homemade! Boiling the chicken with the onion to make the broth, seasoning the broth and adding veggies and then mixing the dough for the noodles, rolling it out and slicing each individual noodle. I'm sorry but Campbell's just doesn't cut it in my book! Unfortunately we live in a world of cats and dogs trying to eat the bread made by the Little Red Hen. It certainly helps to have a few steps taken care of, like having somebody else grow and mill the grain. But I think the time and effort that goes into Homemade is totally worth every bite!