From Bad to Worse...

I often complain that I have to wake up in the sixes to make it to work right at 7am. It’s an early day, especially for a very un-morning person. But the past two days I have been covering for a coworker which means getting up in the fives and being here at 6am! So, it’s strange how sometimes things have to get worse in order for you to realize that it’s not so bad. But that’s just kind of how life goes, we rarely appreciate what we have until it is gone. But tomorrow I am going to enjoy every bit of feeling like I’m sleeping in an extra hour until 6am!

Reflections of four years ago today...

Four years ago I woke up on this very morning, alone in my apartment in the upper avenues. I looked out over the valley, happy to see blue skies. It was quiet and I was grateful to have a calm and peaceful morning to myself on such an important day. Some people may have thought it strange that I did not have sisters and friends all fussing about me or that I was not going from beauty parlor to make-up artist… all that hype probably would have ruffled my feathers a little more than I could have handled when my nerves were already on end. I reviewed in my mind the importance of such an eternal covenant. I pondered and prayed and sought the preparations necessary for the major changes to come. My focus was quite genuinely on the eternal significance of that day. I am an over thinker and an over planner which means I am also an over worrier at times. Thus, such milestones as making a covenant to spend the eternities with one person were quite heavy on my heart.

It had been a whirlwind of preparations leading to that day. Most of which I just let happen because I didn’t want to get caught up in “the wedding fluff.” I was much better at fulfilling my goal to stay eternally minded that day, but I have since had my setbacks fussing over the petty things. I really was never cut out to be a bride. And I confess that I did not enjoy it and I’m glad to be happily married and know that I will never have to do it again. It was a beautiful day and everything went well but there is no doubt that I would have done some things differently. I would have spoken up more about what I wanted, I would have spent money on the things I found important rather than succumb to the pressures of tradition. I was young and felt all too rushed. The only thing that really got me through it all was that there was no doubt that I loved the man that I was marrying and no doubt that I wanted and needed him in my life.

I do not claim it to be the “Happiest day of my life” but I do indeed feel that because of that day, the happiest days of my life have followed and I imagine will continue. My favorite memory of that day was a continuation of my peaceful morning. I love to reflect upon the time that I sat with my sweetheart in the celestial room of the temple just before we were to go in and greet our family members, and make our final commitment to one another. This was a beautiful and sacred time. Our ceremony and incredible opportunity that we had to receive an Apostolic blessing was an amazing experience and we were grateful to have our dearest friends and family members there to share it with. It was indeed a very special day and I am so grateful to have my dear Nicholas in my life. I am so grateful for the past four years that we have spent learning and growing together. I am grateful for that day four years ago that we committed to each other and I can go forward knowing that we will be side by side forever.

Issa

Issa picked me up again this morning and I remembered him instantly. I asked his name this time so I could add to his story. I heard a little more about how he started out as a security officer, moved up to do some Tech work and then managed the engineering of the early Mac computers. Not designing, but maintaining them. He went on to tell me how complicated the first computers were and how the wires all needed to be managed and insolated and protected from over heating. He remembered the original Mac and what an upgrade the Mac 2 was. I once again marveled at the reality that computers have become an every day use, completely ingrained into our society now, and just within a few short years, within my lifetime. “Phones are really just little computers these days.” Issa said, “You put all your contacts, appointments and get on the Internet with them.” But overall our conversation went a new direction today… it started with technology and lead to God. God gives us many wonderful gifts and inspires great inventions that each can be used for good or evil. “It’s the morality of the one who holds it that will determine if he uses it for good or evil, “ Issa said. “And unfortunately so many people don’t have moral character anymore because they are all trying to take God out of their lives.” On both of these points I agreed with him. Then he went on to make another great point, “I think they do it because they don’t like responsibility, and they don’t want to be accountable to anyone, especially God.” Well said Issa. I am grateful to see somebody who respects God. I don’t know of his religious background at this point but I already have great respect for my new friend and I look forward to crossing paths again.

I Dream of Jet-Dry

As part of my job as an admin, I get the duty of unloading our two dishwashers at work every day. (I can’t fully complain because I feel lucky since the reason we have dishes is because we get breakfast & lunch at work every day too.) But when I started, our dishes were coming out a little mirky. Not dirty but not sparkling clean either. So we decided to try Jet-Dry. And my, oh my that stuff works! I don’t understand the chemistry behind it by any means but it really is a magical potion of some sort! And ever since this discovery, my dreaming of a dishwasher has stepped up a notch. When I am at home hand-washing my sultry dishes that have never seen the likes of a dishwasher… as I scrub, I dream of Jet-Dry! Sad but true- my beautiful dishes, pots, pans and platters that were so generously given at my bridal showers four years ago have only known dishwashers with ten fingers, than can bleed, burn and get prunny in water. I even confess that I often scheme how I could sneak all of my dishes into the office over the weekend and run them in the dishwashers with Jet-Dry so they could finally come out glistening!

That Hits the Spot

I think that I inherited this phrase from my Grandmother because I still hear her say it all the time. I too am often stating when something does or does not “hit the spot.” So the other day my husband asked me… “What is the spot anyway?” I have to admit that this was a very good question because it took me a minute to think of what I am referring to when I use this term. And so I have decided that something that merely “tastes good” does not always hit the spot, but rather a spot must first be cleared in order to be hit. You must be aiming for something right?
The Spot: A mental image of something that sounds good, a savored taste or craving or want of something in particular.
Hitting the Spot: Getting exactly what you had in mind!

Leaf Frog...

(Photography by Christian Ziegler, http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2009/08/mimicry/ziegler-photography )

I find this photo fascinating and amazing because it captures these little creatures blending in and defending themselves in such a beautiful way. That is by far and away the best camo outfit that I have ever seen! Nature amazes me. God created a great many beautiful things in this world, and over the years we have all adapted to our various environments and tried to survive. Each creature & Species has its own means of adapting, but those who do not adapt are the least likely to survive… “Only the Paranoid Survive” This line and recent new book title has been ringing in my ears. ( I don’t actually know if it’s any good but the idea rings true.) You really must always be moving, changing and assimilating to your environment in order to survive. And it looks like these little Leaf Frogs could show us a thing or two!

Good for nothin

Have you ever had one of those Good for nothin days? Where you just really feel worthless… Perhaps this is just me and something I struggle with but sometimes (more often than I should) I will get down and start seeing the glass half empty rather than half full. I start to feel discouraged that I didn’t come with any talents or special abilities like the rest? I kind of start to feel like vanilla generic brand sandwich cookies (vanilla are even worse than chocolate)… nobody wants those compared to all of the fancy Keebler, Nestle and Pepperidge Farm options… and Don’t get me started on the section with European delicacies or the real ones in the bakery or the dough that you can get to make them yourself… and I’m not even mentioning Girl Scouts, homemade recipes or macaroons from the Boulangerie… This is a silly analogy I know, clearly I have a thing for baked goods.

But sometimes it’s hard not to compare to all of the amazing people that I am surrounded by. I am not a dancer or a singer. I am not a leader or innovator. I am seriously deranged when it comes to anything that requires coordination, which means that people literally laugh when they watch me attempt sports (really they do, this has happened many times) I wish that I were artsy, but I just don’t have that natural eye for creative genius like all my interior design or Etsy friends. So when it comes to cute or crafty design stuff, again I am sub par. I’m not even smart enough to have a real job- nope, I’m a brainless admin surrounded by Ivy League, Summa Cum Laude graduates. I feel pretty pathetic sometimes. I am not even interesting to talk to or fun to be around (although I sure enjoy talking to people…) but I am quite drab compared to people who can entertain, tell great stories and bring laughter and excitement… I am a big bowl of blah. (Which makes it kind of ironic that I even have a blog at all. Sometimes I laugh at myself and wonder who in the world would waste their time reading this stuff?) I don’t do cutesy crafty blogger stuff and I’m far from being a fashionista or trend setter. I don’t speak any languages (the worst part is that I actually took French for four years of HS and two years of college and I’m still not even proficient!) You know those people who are just naturally good at everything they come in contact with and they don’t even really have to try? I think I am their exact opposite. Nothing comes naturally and after a lot of hard work, I can barely break even. I wish that with all of these missing skills/talents that I were secretly very spiritual or in tune… but I’m nowhere near where I should be and I don’t even think I can remember one scripture mastery. In the parable of the ten talents I often think about how I need to make the most of what I have, even if it’s just one- but I haven’t figured out what that one is yet? When among good friends they try to console me that my squishy nose or ability to touch my toes makes me unique- Ha! That’s practically an insult when they have to stoop so low- (Most people can touch their dang toes- and have you seen Cirque de Soleil- do you know how they can bend, now that is talent!)

Sorry for this petty post, my own little pitty party if you will. But this is how I often feel, and what I think about when I start to see the glass half empty… Don’t get me wrong, I still know that I have been given much. I am healthy and provided for and grateful for wonderful people and opportunities in my life. But sometimes I have a good for nothin day where I wish that I actually had something to offer. Perhaps something of great value or a way to give back or contribute, Any skill or talent would do. Something to write my story, (see everybody has a story.) I may never amount to much but I do want to make the most of limited resources… but I often get stumped in on these good for nothin days.

Vibram Five Fingers

My husband just sent me a link to these, and although it seems they have been around a few years, this is the first time I have heard of them. It’s a fascinating idea and I would love to know how they feel. I hate shoes, so the idea of wearing shoes that feel like your feet seems very appealing to me. http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/

The Future of News

I am concerned and perplexed as to what the future of news may be. We will always need to know what is going on in the world and in our community. Newspapers have dwindled since the boom of the internet and many have gone under especially with recent economic woes. I am quite sure that my children will not be doing paper routs to earn extra cash. People just don’t read print media like they used to. Even books are being replaced by fancy technology like Digital Readers, (I admit that I would really like one of these!) Everything is going digital! But how will the news media survive? Sure, they have a very important online presence, but the dynamics are changing. The World Wide Web is a pretty amazing place and people can get anything they want at their fingertips. And news online is free! This means that local circulation of big news will be taken over by the big guys. And the rest will be left to a few local websites and the world of Blogs. The world of Blogs that did not exist ten years ago is an entirely new and very significant industry within news media. Blogs coupled with programs like Twitter may very well be taking over the old idea of a “press conference.” Really, why would anyone go through all the effort of a press conference if they can just make their announcements via their blog/twitter? Even Obama has caught on to this! Besides, this takes the direct confrontation out of it… they can think through their comments before responding on the spot with something they wish they had thought about first. The challenge with news blogs is that the public won’t know who to trust. Anyone can write and get “published,” (which may become a word of the past when it comes to news.) The internet is already overwhelmed with half-truths and extremely biased stories/points of view. It’s tough to know who you can trust. The laws cannot keep up with technology… copyright, libel, freedom of speech, privacy...
TV news has and will also be hit by the changing times. The six o’clock news will be reserved for the old folks who think digital refers to using your fingers… Fewer viewers will wait to get the weather report or sports update when they already saw it on their iphone or Yahoo desktop ten minutes earlier. Radio will survive as long as we are the auto dependent society that we are. And Magazines have already taken their hit but they will continue to decorate grocery store isles and airport shops.
How did you hear about Michael Jackson’s death? Was it a text, twitter or Yahoo home page, or a friend’s blog, or somebody’s facebook post? Probably not a newspaper or TV evening news. I imagine the time lapse between actual events and dissemination to the public is ten times the speed that it was five years ago and 100 times the speed of fifty years ago. It’s pretty amazing really. So what is the future of news? Are we in the midst of revolutionizing how we will hear about the next world tragedy? Are we on the brink of an industry out of jobs or just changing the medium? I imagine that this has been a frequent conversation at the major networks and publishing companies. The stories will still need to be written and pictures taken, but our children will not know news like we did. “The weather man” may become a mythical character that just gives away our age.

Everybody has a story...

It started with one simple question, "Where are you from?"
He was born in Jordan into a Bedouin tribe. They were a semi-nomadic people who lived as hunters and gatherers living off of the land. In the 19th century they weren't quite as transient but still often called "shepherds." He went to school as a boy in Jordan but as he grew up he wanted to finish high school. He researched various areas and found that he could get the best schooling and live for the cheapest amount in Cairo, Egypt. "Practically $50 a month for everything," he said and then reminded me this was in the 70's. He studied and worked until the day he graduated. That day he was thrilled and decided to treat himself to a nice brunch buffet. When he arrived, the place was so packed, "Worse than Mama's on Washington Square," he said. But he was lucky enough to find a little table for two open up. He sat down to enjoy his meal. A moment later he saw a gentleman approach the door and look around only to turn away in disappointment. "I waved to tell him he could join me. Why waste a table for two when I was only one?" he said. The gentleman joined him and after a nice meal he asked the man where he was staying. "It was a nearby hotel so I offered him to stay with me. I had a little place but room for two, and rent was already paid that month so it would be cheaper for him, " he said, "And since I was done with school I told him I could show him all around and be his guide." The man, Jerry, was very trusting and that afternoon they went to pick up his luggage and move him to the apartment. They had a maid come regularly to clean, "and she only took 10 Egyptian pounds at the end of the week," he said, "and that was a pretty good deal, but she had to earn her keep to you know."
As Jerry's visit was coming to an end, he asked... "Can you get me your school transcript?" So he did, and sure enough a month later he received a letter from Jerry with another letter enclosed. It was an admissions acceptance to San Jose City College.
"Jerry told me how I needed to take the letter to the American Embassy and apply for a visa. So I went and spoke with a nice lady from the consulate, just like you. And she asked me 'why do you want to go to America when there are good colleges here?'" So he told her about the John Wayne movies he had seen at the Metro Theater on Main street, and how beautiful those mountains in the pictures were and how he just had to go and see it. "She laughed a little and then told me to bring my passport in and she would give me a student visa."
When he came to America he studied and worked to pay for things, and later built a career in engineering.
Today he was my cab driver because he was recently laid off and needed a job to pay the bills until he can find something else. I didn't catch his name, but I heard his story during a ten minute cab ride, that I won't forget. This may likely only be the beginning of his story, or a chapter or two of the whole book.
But I have been thinking lately about how everyone has a story, and it is a series of the highs and lows that make up the details and the twists and turns. Some are known for their great accomplishments and others for their great hardships. I am still trying to create mine because it isn't very interesting yet, but we are all a work in progress. Coming from somewhere and going somewhere. We all have a little something to share or at least a different perspective. Because the reality is that nobody has walked in your shoes like you have... Some of have tread the same trails, together or at different times. But your path is unique to you, what you see, think, feel hear... who you meet and how you react... Everybody has a story.

Sometimes

Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Sometimes you have to bottle up all your thoughts because sometimes there is just not enough time. Sometimes you are too tired to think and sometimes you can't sleep because you think too much. Sometimes you can't keep up with life. Sometimes you have unexpected turns come up and sometimes you don't feel like being as adaptable as you should. And sometimes you feel like you can take on the world. Sometimes you miss your friends and family. Sometimes you just want to be alone. Sometimes you crave laughter and sometimes you need to be more realistic. Sometimes you want to run, but sometimes you just need to sit. Sometimes you have to wait in long lines and sometimes you get to go right to the front. Sometimes it fits just right. Sometimes you take a chance. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and sometimes you just want to hide. Sometimes you can't get enough. Sometimes you get overwhelmed. Sometimes life is just wonderful. Sometimes you really do enjoy a nice bowl of cherries. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes your luck runs out. Sometimes you get Yahtzee. Sometimes you get a parking ticket. Sometimes you just smile. Sometimes nothing else matters. Sometimes you forget. Sometimes the strangest coincidence happens. Sometimes you are surprised and sometimes you know exactly what to expect. Sometimes you get confused. Sometimes it seems too difficult. Sometimes life is just bigger than you. Sometimes you get caught up in silly things. Sometimes you save and sometimes you spend. Sometimes you lose your keys. Sometimes you get all green lights. Sometimes it all makes perfect sense. Sometimes you hate your green carpet. Sometimes you don't care. Sometimes your trash stinks. Sometimes you make it just in the nick-of time. Sometimes you crave circus peanuts. Sometimes you are scared. Sometimes you get free tickets. Sometimes you can't wait! Sometimes you get in trouble. Sometimes you mess up, and sometimes you mess up big. Sometimes you wish you could rewind. Sometimes you want to play it over and over again. Sometimes life keeps you guessing.... because nothing ever really happens all the time, because sometimes there are exceptions and sometimes there are opposites... And sometimes that's just the way life is.
(and sometimes your boss says you can't blog at work so you are really behind on all of your thoughts!)

The Novelty of Homemade

Once upon a time we lived in a world where everything was "homemade." There was no such thing as "store bought" or "freezer foods." Clothes were all individually tailored and home sewn. With the industrial revolution and continuing growth in agricultural developments, things changed and goods were more frequently produced and exchanged. But even my parents grew up in a time where it was cheaper to make your food from scratch and sewing your clothes saved money. Oh my how the tables have turned! Mass production has made it cheaper and infinitely faster to buy a bag of chocolate chip cookies than to gather and buy each ingredient, mix and measure and bake. Novelty bakeries can get away with charging the same price for one homemade cookie as that whole box of store bought cookies. And People pay top dollar for hand sewn clothing these days. The longer it takes to make something the more it costs. Today there is a price tag to the novelty of "homemade" and "hand sewn."

The first time I realized this generational swap was in elementary school. I was putting up a fuss to not have "hot lunch" anymore and bring a sack lunch from home. Most kids thought that hot lunch was for the poor kids. I tried to explain this to my dad and he did not understand. So he explained to me, "when I was in school the hot lunches were really good and more expensive and the only reason kids brought lunch from home was because they couldn't afford it." Perhaps he was putting beans in my ears but I think it was true. But hot lunches in my day had become frozen fish sticks and watery frozen vegetables. This was never as good as my mom's home-made chicken or roast beef sandwiches.

Sadly many people from my generation don't know how to cook without a freezer and a microwave! I too cop out and enjoy these easy meals sometimes. But last night I made my mom's delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. I mean really homemade! Boiling the chicken with the onion to make the broth, seasoning the broth and adding veggies and then mixing the dough for the noodles, rolling it out and slicing each individual noodle. I'm sorry but Campbell's just doesn't cut it in my book! Unfortunately we live in a world of cats and dogs trying to eat the bread made by the Little Red Hen. It certainly helps to have a few steps taken care of, like having somebody else grow and mill the grain. But I think the time and effort that goes into Homemade is totally worth every bite!

Who is it for?

Many girls get more dolled up for a girls night out than they do for a date with their boyfriend/husband. That might not seem to make a lot of sense but it's more true than you would think. Girls are kind of funny like that. Getting their nails done, make-up, jewelry, purses and frills... there's no way that all that fluff is for the guys... Admit it ladies, we often do it for each other. And when it comes to name brands or where you shop, you know that the girls will understand or recognize the details that the guys would never notice. Most men just give a thumbs up or down to the "overall look" and could care less about the fact that your earrings match your necklace or that your sunglasses were Gucci or that you had a clutch verses a hand bag which is supposed to be very in right now. However, although men won't often notice the details they like, one little item can ruin it for them- perhaps a headband that they think makes you look like a two year old or they hate leopard print so they write off the whole thing just because of your belt. This may be why it's safer to go plain with the guys and save your accessories for lunch with the girls.
I would be quite interested to take a survey and ask a spread of women to rank these three reasons of why they get dolled up, pamper, wear name brands etc... 1) It's for the guys, 2) it's for the girls, and 3) it's for me. I'm not talking about why we get dressed in the morning, obviously that's a must, and we have to wear what is appropriate for work or comfortable around the house... But what is the motivation behind why we choose what we do? Why the details? That third option, "it's for me" is for those who do it for a little self esteem boost, or to express some of their creative side. Putting an outfit together, doing hair and make-up really can be an art and despite our ability to pull it off, it's fun to be creative and in this sense you do it for you as a hobby or creative outlet. You know it's not for the guys when you wear something that you know your significant other is not a fan of... this means you are doing it for you or for the girls! On the other hand, you know it's for the guy when you wear something that goes against the fashion rules just because he said he liked it.
So who is it for? Why the braids and the bows and the bolero or the lace and the kitten heels or patten leather? Why are there hundreds of fashion magazines targeted toward women? Why are there rules about what to wear and what not to wear and why are the women always the target of the "best dressed" and "worst dressed" in Hollywood? (although I admit I have noticed an increasing male population featured in the past few years.) Women not only wear certain things hoping for compliments from each other, but their attire is often an attempt to stay out of the line or criticisms or just to blend in.
Perhaps it began in the dress-up closet as children, comparing and contrasting who is wearing what and who looks better in it? Girls can be so weird and petty and vain... And yet so beautiful and elegant and glamorous. It's interesting how trends come about but still exist within various styles. "Trendy" is not unique to frilly girls or metro guys... These same social phenomenas happen in every circle- The outdoor type with their fancy gear or flaunting labels like Patagonia and Northface. Some women socialize within a circle where being "au naturale" is the trend, and even if they wanted to wear make-up they won't do it for the very same reasons the glamor girls don't dare to be seen without it, they worry about what the others will say? There are always a couple trendsetters within the group that the followers fear the most. Even teenage boys who are trying to make a statement against fashion by shopping at Goodwill or Thriftown- find themselves caught up in the trend and bragging how cheap or old something is to each other... It's a silly game that we all play to some degree. We see, we shop, we wear and wait for some sort of feedback. Who is it all for? Perhaps it's for whoever notices, or perhaps it is to be noticed. I don't think there is really a right or wrong reason, and for most of us the reasons change depending on the day or circumstance. Most people do it without really thinking about it, it's subconscious or tied to where we came from, who and what we are exposed to. Life is interesting, we often do funny things for all the reasons we can't really explain.

Heavy Boots

I finished an amazing book last night called "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close," by Jonathan Safran Foer. I read it in a week and if I didn't have company last weekend then I probably would have read it in a couple of days. I laughed and cried each time I sat down to read, and then cried and laughed some more. Even on the bus and in the courtyard on my break from work... I couldn't help it. It was cleverly written and I really identified with the random thoughts and constant "inventing" by Oskar Schell, and I got "heavy boots" from the many tragedies recorded in the book. It has certainly made me reflect and remember "the worst day." And I can't seem to stop thinking about it so I thought I would write...
I remember it was "Toga Tuesday" of Homecoming week. I was running a little late that morning and as I walked down the all from the attendance office it was silent when I expected to hear the morning announcements taking place. I walked into Mr. Flemmings' class, A.P. U.S. History and everyone was staring at the TV. But rather than seeing Christy Flury on the screen was saw the twin towers. One of them was just hit by an airplane and it was smoking... We watched everything live- how appropriate for our US History class, I don't remember learning anything else that day- but we talked about it a lot. We watched the second plane hit, the first tower tumbling and the second shortly followed... the smoke, the people, the clips of the Pentagon and wondering what else could be coming? How could this happen, how could their plan really work? It was devastating and I was on the other side of the country, I didn't know anyone who died and it still rocked my little world and made wearing a toga seem pretty lame that day. I can't imagine those who were there, who experienced it, who lost loved ones, who survived and firefighters who saved... I can't imagine. Our homecoming themes took a change that week- we changed the assembly on Friday to a patriotic day with speakers rather than skits. We had a fundraiser and sold T-shirts that had "9-11-01" on the front and I think it said, "In memory of.." on the back- all proceeds went to one of the foundations helping in the recovery. We had a candle light vigil after the homecoming game where both teams and fans from both sides gathered on the field for the national moment of silence, followed by a few patriotic songs, and most of us cried. It was a somber time but also unifying. I think this event paved the way for my graduating class to break barriers and all become friends that year. Sometimes I look back on that year that followed and remember how much people realized they loved America and wanted to protect it... Things have changed over the past seven years. People have hardened, politics have become increasingly complicated and unfortunately the wars have continued. It may not be on our soil or so close to home, but these people are suffering. So many of them have lost those they love, they can't sleep or they sleep in fear. Where we worry about losing jobs, they worry about losing lives. And they are all hurt so they take it out on each other rather than mourning together. I can't imagine it. I take this peace for granted but I pray every day for less suffering and more peace. And why the fight? What good can come from it? If it is a religious battle then I don't understand, No God would want this. Just as no father wants to watch his children fight, it must break his heart. It gives me "heavy boots" and a heavy heart...

Thinking of those who must go...

Must they really go,
And will they really stay?

And leave me here to waste away?
I'm sure I'll be fine.
Their seats will be filled and others will come,
But that hole in my heart seems here for the run.

I used to be new,
Now they are all newer than me.
Does that make me old,
When that's not what I see?

These pages turn fast and I cannot keep up.
But I'll be ok because I'm happy to live,
And enjoy what comes from each perspective.

The people will change,
But I'm still me.
But left a little bit different from their mark on my tree.

Like they say when one door closes another will open.
But moving forward means leaving behind.
I miss that imprint from my foot in the sand,
While I quickly anticipate what the next step will find.

Soon I will go,
And I hope to leave my mark,
Like they did for me
Before they had to embark.

We are all on a journey
Coming from somewhere,
Or going from whence we came.
Learn a little, leave a little,
And you'll never be the same.

We are lucky to meet,
To cross paths and share moments.
But then you must go, while I must stay.
But next time I'll be the one on my way.

Oh the books we will write...

I think just about anyone who can read and write has said at one point that they are going to write a book someday. Perhaps a story you want to tell or a theory that you have... I spent last Sunday morning sharing these ideas back and forth with my friend Meagan. Everything from Travel books to coffee table books... I went through a phase of thinking that I would no doubt be an author of children's literature if I could get an illustrator to capture my imagination. Sunday afternoon I found myself on a beautiful drive with my dad, again discussing the books he has thought about writing. Books are a beautiful thing, the creation of words put together to create worlds and people and unforgettable tales. I have thought about starting a book club... or perhaps I should call it a writing club, where we put the pen to paper (or fingers to the keyboard) with the ideas we all walk around with stirring in our minds. This explains my last post- I have had that intro in my head for months and figured I should write it out at least as a draft- I think it would be a series of short stories tied together from the perspective of the youngest child learning from the various experiences of her older siblings. Obviously this would be based off of some of my real life experiences but also from the observations of many other families and the various traits in birth order etc... Anyway, this is one of the many books I think about- It's hard to think that with all of the books out there, that there could still be so many stories yet to tell. I think that if I make it to heaven then one of the first things I will do is get a library card to the celestial library where I imagine a super comfy white chaise where I will sit and read to my heart's delight!

Chapter one...

Sticky fingers reaching for my face and snot dripping kisses running down my cheek. By the time number seven came around germs were antiquity in mom's book. I don't remember it but I've heard the story enough to know that I came into this world with six little smiling faces waiting for me. I've seen that picture of all seven of us piled on mom laying in the hospital bed the day I was born. So even though I was only hours old, I feel like I can remember the details of Amber's pink sweater with neon lime trim and Kelly's butchered bangs that she trimmed herself, while Micheal posed as a tough guy but mom said he cried more than anyone that day.
I had no idea what I was getting into when I decided to come to earth and be born into this family. And if somebody had warned me then I would likely still be sitting in heaven strumming my fingers. But God must have known that they needed me.
For a long time I worried about being the seventh wheel on the Tyrell P34, three boys and three girls, and then me, the extra girl who threw things out of balance. As I grew up Hank would sometimes tell me that I counted as both because I could hang with both sides, like a wild card in a full house.
I was always there and never there. Always there because I had nowhere else to go. I went to every game and recital. It seemed like I had permanent imprints on my legs from the little wire seat in the front of the grocery cart. I went everywhere with mom, running errands, folding laundry and giving rides. But on the other hand I was never there, there was so much going on that life went on the same whether I was there or not. With a family of nine, it was already too much to split the the time pie into eight pieces, let alone nine, so I was usually sharing a bite with somebody else.
You might be surprised at the wealth of knowledge that the little fly on the wall can really take in. But it's a limited perspective you know, it's all about watch and learn rather than live and learn. I don't know which is the better way, but I sure feel like I learned my fair share.

Learn something new

We have all heard the cliche, "you learn something new every day." Which is a thought that I enjoy because I love learning and I can only hope that my brain is continually expanding. However, what is it that we fill our brains with? I believe I have mentioned that I have a desk job- which means I am susceptible to the Internet for eight hours each day. Which seems a little frightening, although much of this time is just spent sifting through work emails. So I decided to take note of what I learn in a day, and here are a few things from the last 24 hours, both through Internet and people, etc....
The word "cosset" is a form of doting on somebody like a pet. Temple Square in Salt Lake City is the 16th most visited tourist site in the US. An Air France jet went missing off the coast of Brazil yesterday. On average lightning hits one airplane every three years. Massachusetts is the only and first state to have mandatory health care, and if you are not willing to pay for it then you will be penalized on your taxes. I am going to have dinner at the Carters on Wed night. Oakland Airport parking is $16 a day for economy, $22 for daily, and $32 for the hourly/day. The Tongan Monarchy is one of the Oldest continuous monarchies in history, and in the 1980's they sold Tongan passports to anyone who wanted a passport even if they could not get one in their own country. The last Titanic survivor died yesterday. INSEAD Business school is taught in English but requires a second language competency upon admission and a third language competency upon graduation. London Business School has approximately 320 students, 25% women. The Bachelorette started a new season last week. Conan is starting at a new time. Lost gets more weird every season. It is supposed to be chilly in San Fran this week but get up to 72 degrees on Sunday. My friend Amanda got a puppy last week. Another friend Sara spent the weekend in Seattle and said the best burgers she has ever had were at Red Mill Burgers. And another friend Michelle recommended the new movie Up and Up. And my friend Jill just returned home from the hospital. (I admit there is a lot of social learning through blogs/facebook.) We are getting a new sink in our apartment tomorrow. Half of the people in my office are sick with some variation of a cold. We ran out of Vitamin C and cough drops in the medicine cabinet at work. My coworker spent the weekend in Napa and drank a lot. Another coworker bought an off colored sweater on sale at Banana Republic for $3. Victoria's Secret gave away free panties to their first 100 customers who came in with the offer code yesterday. My husband can actually make pretty good spaghetti sauce all on his own now. Somebody slept in our apartment while we were out of town. Two of my husband's high school friends just got engaged...
There are plenty of other potentially useless facts that I may have absorbed yesterday but these are the ones I remembered. And who knows which are based on truth and which are opinion and what I can take for face value. But it is interesting to recount what one can learn in a day.

Take it home with you...

Have you ever been on a vacation and bought something like an aloha print skirt and when you return to life in the city it seems rather out of place? Or perhaps you go to Italy and buy a leather jacket because that's the thing to do, and then you return home and realize that it's a bit too flashy for your small town... When on vacation anything goes, When in Rome do as the Romans, right? It's one of the best things about traveling, you take on a new culture! You can eat and dress and talk in all new ways. You go at their tempo, perhaps that means dinner only after 8pm or drivers who ignore traffic laws. There's no point in traveling if you expect everything to be the way it is at home. The point is in the experience, learning and exploring. It's the sensation of completely new flavors, sights and smells... And pushing yourself to new limits, and discovering your own capacity to adapt and broaden your understanding how big and small the world is. Big because you discover how much more there is to learn, and small because you realize that no matter where you go- we are all the same in so many ways. Like the street car vendor who is waking up early every morning and working hard to make a buck to provide for his family- just like you. Sometimes you go home with a better understanding of people or of history and how the past has affected where we are now. After my recent trip to Brazil I want to return with two souvenirs... I was awestruck at the beauty of God's creations, I saw nature at it's best on a small island off the coast, green vegetation and pristine bath water beaches providing a home to creatures of the sea. And then the people, soft hearts and respectful in their nature, not greedy or pushy and they did not expect rewards for their kindness. The people had an aura of humility that I admire and I do not want to forget. Like the aloha skirt, perhaps these ideas are not as popular at home. But I will not hang these memories in the back of my closet, I want to remember the beauty of the place and of the people because these are worth taking home with me.

The Popular Plate...

All it takes is one popular plate to get things started... your house can be spic-and-span until you are suddenly rushed after eating and must leave that one plate in the sink. Before you know it, that one plate has invited a few other friends to play in the sink, and then word gets out and the whole kitchen joins in the fun of making a mess. The same thing happens in other rooms.. that one skirt that you didn't hang up so you draped it over the chair has turned into a mound of clothes... Or the laundry that you did, but couldn't put away... Or the bag that needs to be unpacked... the stack of mail or the trash that needs to be taken out...

The problem is that in your regular routine you can only manage one task at a time. So once it gets started when you are holding dish number two- you think to yourself, "I only have time for one and since there are two now, I will have to wait and do both of them later..." This scenario continues because next time that two is three, and then three is four and so fourth. It becomes so overwhelming that all of those two and three minute tasks have added up to take hours when you finally get around to it. Sadly I think this is how people handle other areas of life too. For instance when I am trying to stick to a diet, after I fall to a moment of weakness and indulge in one cookie-rather than stop there, I think "Oh today is lost now, I'll start again tomorrow or next week..." and I end up eating them all. For others this happens with sins or spending or gossip or whatever it may be. We have goals of keeping things clean, sticking to our diet or staying within a budget, etc.- and after the first slip, It's so hard to go back to a clean slate! So I blame it on that first plate, don't let that one slide or when you are standing there with number two- don't stack it on, just wash them both!

Lotto for the lonely

Last week I went to the Orpheum theater to check out the lotto to get tickets to Wicked. You arrive two hours before the show, put in your name and wait until they draw the winners of the $25 tickets. As I stood there waiting for the drawing to start at 6pm, I looked around at the other lotto participants. Everyone circled around as the announcer began to draw names. A mother and daughter sitting on their suitcases were the first to win, obviously tourists either on their first or last day of vacation. The crowd cheered as they went up to receive their pin and select their seats, then the daughter announced that it was her mothers birthday and everyone cheered again. Then a young guy in tight jeans and the long hair side sweep won, and turned from a college punk to a giddy little boy and again everyone clapped and the announcer continued. Then the older man in the flannel shirt and wrangler jeans with timberland boots and his wife in nearly the same outfit but accented with a brushed out perm (again, obvious tourists) won and the crowd cheered. My favorite winner followed, the eight year old hispanic boy and his father, he was so excited and as the crowd clapped his very white but crooked teeth were a glowing smile against his bronzed skin. Despite the fact that each person hoped that their own name would be called next, there was a genuine happiness for those who won each time. And although we were all strangers we clapped and cheered and smiled for the lucky recipients of the tickets.

I thought to myself that when I am a lonely old widow that this is where I would come and immediately feel as though I have friends. I thought of the homeless man I passed on the street just around the corner on my way there, I'm sure he would have smiled when he saw that little boy when his name was called. There is something sweet about moments when the barriers between strangers dissolve and we realize that we are all in this journey together, it is not a competition but often a lotto of what life will bring. We should cheer on one another's good fortune, and if we do then the happiness we feel for others will spread into our own lives.

Time or Money

There are certain laws of science that have been studied and discovered throughout history. Some of them tested and proven while others remain as theories. There are Newton's Laws of Motion and Einstein's theories of Relativity, (gravity). And there is one that I think many of the great scientists have overlooked and that is the unwritten law behind humanity that says we can never have both time and money simultaneously!

It just doesn't seem to happen within the realms of capitalism. One must be sacrificed in order to receive the other. Jobs that offer plenty of vacation time and flexibility don't pay very well, while top earners are often chained to their desks and cannot relax away from work. Sure, there are a few who strike a decent balance of the two, having a little time and just enough money to enjoy a nice vacation or two throughout the year, but they are still tipsy on the beam just going back and forth in smaller increments. And yes there are exceptions of those who receive a great inheritance- but even they probably had to sacrifice time with their parents who were overworked to create that nest egg they passed down. And if one is lucky enough to have a financial break that gives them time to step away from work and enjoy life- you better believe there is still a clock running on the dollar and it's only a matter of time before they run out of money and must go back to work. And of course vice versa- there is never enough time to make the amount of money we would like and still enjoy life! So I'm not sure what to call this "law" or "theory" but I am quite sure that anyone can relate and prove it to be true.

I have experienced a little of both but not together. I cannot completely complain about this unwritten law, because I believe in being rewarded for hard work. So the principle behind it makes sense to me. And vacations are much more rewarding when you work long and hard and save up and earn it and then get to reap the rewards of hard work. I have also suffered missing out on fun trips and adventures because of limited vacation time, or missing out on other vacations because I did not have the money.

I don't see why the two can't just get along, it seems like hoping for peace in the Middle East. And truth be told, time and money actually work very well together and mingle in all of the same circles and have very similar qualities. It's like they need to keep each other close and yet refuse to dance. They must have one of those Love/Hate relationships? It is certainly beyond me. So if you can trump this equasion then please let me know your secret! But until then I shall imagine the day where time and money can peacably intermingle.

"Check out her mom."

(mother & daughter, Kate Hudson & Goldie Hawn)

When guys are in a serious relationship, getting engaged or meeting a girl's family for the first time, they often receive some advice along these lines... "Check out her mom dude, then you know if she will be hot when she's older." We would be pretty naive to think that men are not having these conversations and that they don't worry or think about how their wives will fare as they age. Perhaps, like me, you heard your older brothers discuss "FP" when talking about girls and then you learned that FP= Fat Potential. This has stirred a few discussions with my husband over the years, and we have lately been defining realistic expectations. Of course it's a sensitive topic to women, because we too want to stay fit but want to avoid any unnecessary pressure. It's tough to know what can happen to your body as you age, and we have all seen photo's of older women when they were young and wonder, what happened? Will that happen to me too? One thing I have had to make clear was that he married me as a curvy girl, so that will not change, it's those women who are beanpole thin now (who he claims are 'too skinny')- who are the ones who are still thin later, so we cannot be compared. Don't get me wrong he is not rude about it and there are more reasons than just looks, of course we both want to be healthy and fit and able to keep up with our kids and grand kids as we age. But it has certainly got me thinking about why men give each other that advice, how society perpetuates the idea of a 'trophy wife' and how it would seem a little weird for a woman to say, "be sure to check out his grandpa on his mother's side, then you will know if he will be bald." Sure we are aware of this fact that we learned in 9th grade biology but women are more likely to say, "watch how he treats his mom and sisters, and you can know how he will respect you and your daughters..." Of course, women have their other shallow moments, perhaps making correlations to the father's career or economic success. It's interesting to see how expectations are set, sometimes by society, sometimes by your own parents or your in laws, and how these expectations can play into your marriage. I have asked various friends and family about how these conversations play out and some feel pressure because their mother in-laws are thin and beautiful, others feel the fear of becoming like their own mothers, and others worry because their parents divorced, or because their dad had an affair with a younger woman... whatever the reason, it's in the back of our minds, so there is no point in the men worrying about it because clearly the women have the worry part covered. And despite the few women who might claim that they "don't care" I'm sure we would all prefer to maintain our size and health as we age, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. But there is no point in fretting too much, keep in mind my mother's fabulous wisdom that I heard many times throughout my teenage years... "Stop worrying about losing weight or being thin because you will spend the rest of your life wishing that you could look as good as you do now."

Small, Important, and Lost

I'm pretty sure a little leprechaun bandit follows me around and collects the small, important and often expensive things in my life.... It has been going on for years and here are a few of the most popular items of his collection: Wallets, Keys, Passports, Phones, watches, retainers, and cameras.... And not just once, but many of these have been lost, stolen or broken multiple times. Would you believe me if I told you that at one point I had so many passports issued in so few years that the State department put me on some sort of probation where they issued me a "temporary" one while they looked into my case to make sure I wasn't selling them on the black market or something. I had to wait six months and for a permission letter before I could reapply. Oh wait and would you believe that I had three drivers licenses by the time I was 20? Do you have any idea how annoying it is to go wait in line in slow government offices to get these kinds of things multiple times? Oh- and as for the small and expensive items- I had four retainers before My parents stopped paying for them and my teeth went crooked again- and cameras are the latest expense that has me thinking that the little leprechaun bandit is now following my husband as well! We are on our way to our third camera in two years right now! I am certainly not proud to admit to any of these things but it is becoming much more than a painful coincidence! My Paris friends will tell you about the night that I was robbed twice- my wallet in the Metro and my Sephora shopping bag in the McDonalds restroom. I don't know how to explain, if it's not lost then it's broken and if it's not broken then it gets stolen... I thought leprechauns were supposed to bring good luck- but it seems that my little friend does quite the contrary!

Two Good Things...

Decisions are a rather difficult thing for me, but I think decisions between two good things are often the most difficult. When you know that both options are good, then that decision can become exhausting. Sure many people might say, "but you can't go wrong." And this is true, but even though you are picking something great, you still have to eliminate, or say no to something else that's great, and feel like you will be missing out on a great opportunity. I know this sounds pessimistic, but I'm speaking about the decision process- When choosing between a good or a bad option, it's a no brainer. And while two bad options is certainly no fun, it doesn't really matter because you are going down hill either way so you hope for the lesser of two evils. So although two good things is bound to bring about a good outcome, in my opinion the decision always seems to be the most challenging.

I heard this poem on NPR yesterday and found it rather thought provoking...

'The Drunken Driver Has the Right Of Way'
by Ethan Coen

The loudest have the final say,
The wanton win, the rash hold sway,
The realist's rules of order say
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The Kubla Khan can butt in line;
The biggest brute can take what's mine;
When heavyweights break wind, that's fine;
No matter what a judge might say,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The guiltiest feel free of guilt;
Who care not, bloom; who worry, wilt;
Plans better laid are rarely built
For forethought seldom wins the day;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

The most attentive and unfailing
Carefulness is unavailing
Wheresoever fools are flailing;
Wisdom there is held at bay;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

De jure is de facto's slave;
The most foolhardy beat the brave;
Brass routs restraint; low lies high's grave;
When conscience leads you, it's astray;
The drunken driver has the right of way.

It's only the naivest who'llDeny this,
that the reckless rule;When facing an oncoming fool
The practiced and sagacious say
Watch out — one side — look sharp — gang way.

However much you plan and pray,
Alas, alack, tant pis, oy vey,
Now — heretofore — til Judgment Day,
The drunken driver has the right of way.

Excerpted from 'The Drunken Driver Has The Right Of Way' by Ethan Coen.

Value

The other day a co-worker of mine commented on a flower arrangement and said something along these lines, "I used to really like those flowers and think they were fancy, and then I found out how cheap they are..." Then I was in the store last week looking at flowers and the thought of her comment really bothered me, Really? Should what you pay for something really change how you feel about it? Should the fact that a certain flower is easier to grow, which makes it cheaper, make it any less enjoyable? Should anyone ever worry about "cheap" flowers making them look bad? If they are beautiful to you, then what does it matter what you paid for them? I recognize that it's the supply in demand theory that often determines value, not always quality or enjoyment. This also brings to mind the episode of 30Rock where Jack Donaghy makes such an ordeal out of getting this exclusive reservation and this elite restaurant to have a gold leafed dessert for a ridiculous amount of money... and yet he ended up wanting a good old McDonalds McFlurry for a couple dollars instead. But just because they are only a couple dollars and you can get one in every city in America and many around the world... should that make them less valuable? If they suddenly became an exclusive treat how much more would people be willing to pay? Should value be determined by cost? By popularity? By enjoyment? It makes me laugh when people fall subject to marketing schemes around the holidays, that there are only X amount of Tickle me Elmo dolls, or Nintendo Wii's- so wait in line and inhumanely plow people down just so you can be one of the few! But despite what the product makers have said they will be mass producing those same items a month from now and you will all continue to buy them because you still have a mindset that they are rare, and it makes you feel special to have one. I guess I am sometimes baffled that a label or a name brand can really cost so much money, and that people pay for it because of what it represents to society. These brands and labels or names or elite places, foods or flowers are really just like wearing price tags around to show the money that we have or are willing to spend... and it's even more sad that we as a society actually treat people differently because we know what they spend or don't spend. Granted some great things do just cost a lot of money because a lot of work goes into quality. But if you like something that is cheap then there is nothing wrong with that- In fact it should make you like it more!

Oprah Epidemic

I admit, I am a fan too. She is a pretty amazing woman who has built quite an empire. She is one of the most influential people in America, and I'm not sure about her international presence but she must be right up there with the most influential women in the world. And what makes her impact so strong? Her viewers find her more credible than the news or Wikipedia. Why? Because she is their "friend." Don't we all believe our friends more than anyone else? Oprah has a magic about her that makes people view her as their equal. So despite her billions of dollars, she can make a poor woman feel like she really knows how it feels to wear the same pair of shoes for ten years. I don't know how she does it, but I honestly think she just has a gift for empathy and understanding. She can fit right in with the Hollywood glamor one moment and then have a heart to heart with stay at home moms the next. And despite the fact that she is not married and does not have children she is very motherly and in tune with families. I know many are critical of her popularity, but my guess is that her critics have not actually watched the show. If you watch it for a week you are bound to have at least one or two stories really interest you. And even though she may be liberal, she has many conservative fans because for the most part she maintains a lot of conservative views. Of course I have wondered, does she have to act like she likes certain things just to please her audience? Is she really herself? Who knows, but she puts on a pretty good show if she's acting! Oprah is certainly one of a kind and I don't think anyone will really be able to replace her, despite the attempts from all of the other daytime talk show hosts, Oprah has class that the others are lacking so far. The Oprah Show is quite the epidemic, she has the power and means to do what many of us cannot. She educates and explores for us, while we watch from our living rooms. Regardless of whether I agree with her on everything or not, I am still amazed. So the epidemic will continue as long as we continue to hear women in all social circles and various circumstances start their stories with, "On Oprah the other day..." http://www.oprah.com/

Sick sick sick

I know I don't write much about happenings on this blog- mostly just thoughts but yesterday was a combination of both which is what I am going to write about now.... A long story short- I got to work and had a little breakfast, and shortly after I swear I was seeing spots and I could not walk straight. I could barely stand or walk at all... and then I found myself vomiting in the bathroom- at least I made it to the bathroom although not quite to the toilet... and then a few minutes later I found myself back at my desk, shaking again and soon enough spewing into the trash in the copy room, about five times in a row. It was out of control and I was horribly embarrassed and at that point decided I had good reason to go home sick for the day... On my way home- my online searches of "pregnancy symptoms" were coming to mind as I stopped by Walgreen's to get a few tests. I was without a doubt sure that this must be the cause of my extreme dizziness and vomiting. Never before in all the other times I cried wolf about being pregnant, had I felt quite like this. And I was feeling mixed emotions... on one hand- Great! what's a few months earlier than planned? But on the other hand... if being pregnant means feeling like this then I would rather adopt.

I came home and took two tests... Negative. But I slept for eight hours and woke up ate a banana and bread and took a bath and went to bed again for the night. I have NO idea what came over me but it was horrible and nearly unbearable, I thought I was going to pass out and die at work. I am still a little woozy today but when 10am came around today (the time I left work yesterday) I felt as though I accomplished a great battle.
Many thoughts came to mind yesterday... Am I ready? Do I have what it takes? Is this how all the other women feel? How will I handle this at work? Will I have to quit my job early because I am so sick? Who knows, perhaps I was drugged or poisoned? It may have been the combination of my antibiotics and Claritin? Or something bad that I ate- either way I wish it upon nobody! I have been sick and vomiting before, but the combination of dizziness made it surreal and out of control. The whole thing just took the life out of me- it was a traumatic day, one that could be deleted and I think I would be just fine moving forward. Who knows, maybe the tests were wrong and my prayers have been answered to make me feel better and get through today. Either way- Come what may and I can only hope that I don't have to feel like that again, and I hope that I won't have to find out that I'm pregnant because of a day like yesterday.

Lay awake lists...

I remember back in high school when I had a hard time sleeping at night, or focusing during the day, my dad taught me a few things that have stayed with me. One of them was making lists of thoughts- It is a way to purge and clear your mind so you can focus or rest. Because sometimes your mind is too worked up about something or just too many things at once, especially when you are busy and don't have time to process it all- or often just worried about forgetting to do it or to come back to that thought.
So you grab a note pad (good to keep on hand by your bed) and you just write every random thing that is on your mind. Last night, mine started something like this... (omitting names here)
Curtains & curtain rods, furniture paint- overall home upgrade ideas, Ikea, chair covers, cost of new chairs, taxes, travel visa, book hotels, dentist appointment, eat better, no dinners after 8:30pm, tv bunny ears, ABC, sister's Birthday, upcoming birthdays, visitors, other sister- writing a letter or phone call, choosing happiness, family relationships- in-laws, how to make Brazil trip go well- foster good relationships, missions, talking more openly about religion, returning to school- studying religion, theology, psychology, education... call friend back, plan summer trips, run 10k in Napa, flight for dad's visit, plan mom's visit, visiting teaching, weekend, rain, brunch, Easter baskets, Kidless holidays, business schools, next move, provident living, balanced budget, major upcoming expenses..... And of course the list goes on- but there is something liberating about just writing it down and setting it aside for when you have a quiet moment later. I still do this at work sometimes, and if I have more time I organize and separate the "todo list" (things you can actually check off and move on) from the things to think about or research with less urgency and may be more long term. I have an ongoing list of items in my head about things I want to Google or look up and learn more about, this one doesn't always make it to paper but when it does it helps clear my mind. My husband often asks, "Does that brain ever stop?" and the answer is always no. But a little traffic regulation can certainly help!

Where do I go from here?

Have you ever been following a map or directions and somewhere along the way you took a different road than you originally planned? It can still lead to your destination but now it is too late to back track the other way-and it has created a little detour and may take longer and you will even miss out on some of those things you planned to see on that other road. But, at this point you can't turn around and go all the way back to the turning point decision- so what do you do??? You create a new rout. You look at the map and find where you can connect and you move forward and enjoy the ride!
We must often adapt to the unexpected detours in life, sometimes we are running out of time and have to go without the perfect garnish or accessories in order to accomplish the overall goal, or you run into traffic on your way to a movie and change your plans to go bowling instead. Sometimes our plans change to accommodate somebody else or are out of our control and although it forces us to take a different rout or live a different way- we must move forward.
These things happen every day and we make a choice in how we react to the changes. Do we look back with regret? Do we obsess over what we missed or what went wrong? Or do we embrace the new set of unanticipated opportunities that come with it?
I have a tendency to over analyse and I have reacted to these situations in many different ways at different times. But I have learned that my greatest happiness is when I enjoy the journey that I am on and let it take it's course.
Decisions are not easy for me, and they linger with me long after they have been made as I wonder, "did I make the best choice?" But after wasted time looking back on the "other road" I have learned that the best choice is the one that you allow yourself to enjoy and adapt to. Yo can certainly learn from the past, but there is no point in fretting over decisions that have already been made and you can no longer change.
So when you find yourself on that other road, or in locked traffic, ask yourself "where do I go from here?" You can't make it to the movie on time, so how can you adjust your plans and still have a nice evening? It would be a silly waste of time and energy to stop and have a pity party about missing the show right?
So when it comes to real life... when you don't get that job, or you break up with that guy, or you move far from home...... think about what else is out there that you can enjoy and make a life out of it without regrets about things you can't change. Learn from yourself and look forward to what else is in store for you!

Keep my seat warm

Have you ever sat down in a public area, such as a bus or bench, right after somebody else was sitting there and it's still warm? I don't know about you but if you have had this happen, it actually grosses me out and I can't exactly explain why. It's like a reminder of somebody else's germs or body are left behind. It's weird, but I think about it every day on my bus ride home. I have had this happen so many times now and every time I wonder why people say, "keep my seat warm" when they get up, maybe it's a way of asking somebody to save their seat, or maybe they don't care if it's somebody they know. But for the most part, after sitting in a few people's warmed seats, it's unlikely that I will be using that phrase again.

Mothers in this Dual Income World

It breaks my heart to see new young mothers cry as they leave their new three month old baby in the arms of a stranger as they return to work. But this has become the norm, this is what it takes to make it in today's society. The days of Beverly Cleaver are long gone, and the career of a "homemaker" is only showing up on a handful of filed taxes. Don't get me wrong- I couldn't be more grateful for women's liberation, for our right to vote, and to have education and equality. I am so grateful for these rights and opportunities that are offered to me and my fellow women. But it seems that the right to mother, and to do it full time is not done so freely anymore. Sometimes I envy the women of previous generations who were celebrated as mothers. There are so many responsibilities now cast on women that take away from their responsibilities as mothers. While the men are enjoying a little less pressure on them to provide for the family, the women are not feeling that same weight lifted when it comes to being a mother.

How did it come to this? Why is it that the average home price is now four or five times the average household income? Back in the 50's the rule of thumb was to buy a home double your salary. And now it's five times the household income, which is the salary of both husband and wife combined, not even one salary but five times both! Sure, housing prices are dropping, but still not enough to make things affordable, especially since layoffs are as abundant as foreclosures.

It's discouraging to seriously wonder if you can ever make it. Making it today means one of a few things if you would like to stay at home with your children.... 1) your husband has one of the top producing jobs, (doctors, lawyers,tech, finance & real estate... most of these come along with ridiculous amounts of student loans) or 2) you have family resources to tap into or 3) you live in one of the few affordable pockets left in this country, or 4) perhaps you are really lucky! Otherwise, you are a working mother. Which is fine, and a lot of women prefer to go back to work. Some are intimidated or overwhelmed by full time mothering. But my issue is the fact that within this society the the option is no longer there for those women who want to be at home with their children during the developing years of their lives. It's a tough battle to fight and win, and I admire the sacrifices of both working mothers and mothers at home. I'm sure there is a lot to manage.

I envy the exception... the many mothers who do what they can to work from home or pick up side jobs that rarely take them away from their family, unfortunately not everyone gets this chance. I'm sure time and money are still probably always running short. And to some degree, whether they are working in or out of the home, their time and attention is divided from their children, and the burden of making ends meet in this dual income world does not subside. I encourage women to work and enrich them selves. To study and learn and grow are all things we should seek. But my beef lies with a society that has created demands that are so often unrealistic and not affordable. Demands that steal from the time a mother or father could spend with their children, strengthening future generations. Having the perfect job and the perfect kids don't really go hand in hand...

Fathers are victims of this dual income world as well. They have pressure to provide, when the opportunities to be a top earner are few and far between and put greater demands on time. They don't get the time they want to be there to love and enjoy time with their families. Mothers and fathers are both a part of the decision to let their children be in day care, and I'm sure it is painful for both. But the teary mother who has to work when her baby is sick feels that a part of her is suffering each moment she is at work.

I don't know what I will do when I get there, I suppose I will do the best I can with my situation when the time comes.